kindness brings a casserole for dinner
I was half way through chat and had a visitor come so I excused myself and left Hostsarah in charge…good for you Sarah! My visitor was an old friend who desperately wanted to help me out during this current crisis so she had made us a casserole (beef stew) and a fruit loaf to cut if visitors drop in over the long weekend.
It is such an old-fashioned thing to do that it reminded me of my Mum’s generation who arrived at births, deaths and sudden illnesses armed with a casserole and a beef tea and a bevy of home made remedies. As they left the house they carted off the smaller children and the laundry and anything else they could carry. It was the way a community reacted to a crisis, feed and nourish those going through it and restore life’s balance again.
When did we stop being a community and start being people who lived in houses, flats and apartments and never bothered to get to know their neighbours? When did the underlying neighborliness that people felt as responsible citizens break down into food stamps and welfare and a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness? Shouldn’t our communities rally round someone who needs help? When did that stop?
I was taught by my mother to look out for the neighbours, those little old widows that lived alone needed fresh fruit and vegetables from our garden, a hand cleaning their windows, someone to pick up their parcels from the post office. They needed an afghan rug for their knees, some warm woolen socks, a man to mow, or clip the hedge or fix a leaky tap. They needed community support. It might take a village to raise a child; it also takes the same village to look after the old.
Ray isn’t old and helpless but he does need a lot of help. Mainly I do this all by myself with a little help from Trevor and the community services people when I hit a crisis like now. We live in a society where people pay taxes and then when they need help they get it in the form of homecare, so our shower nurses and respite people are paid for out of government coffers with a small co-pay from the care recipient. So I just need to qualify for the help I need. This is done by assessment but anyone coming now can see I need help as Ray’s mobility is severely compromised. I am hoping that will improve and then I will let the extra help go and go back to my former package.
Maintaining people like Ray in their own home rather than a nursing home is cost-effective. I am here all the hours the carers aren’t, so if I get a carer for an hour there are 23 hours when I look after him by myself. It is not hard when you break it down. It is mealtimes, tv time, exercise time, nap time etc. The shower is once a day and the rest of the time I care for him alone.
I was laughing with our male careworker this morning. He asked me how I coped. I said that I can do a lot of things he can’t do. “Like what?” he asked. I told him that when I get Ray up off the toilet I say: “Hug your wife tight.” So he puts his arm around my neck and by feel I pull up his underwear and his trousers. Then he takes his arm away and I make sure he has his stick and help him walk forward. I said: “If you did that you would probably be up on charges.” And he laughed.
Getting the care I need is proving harder than we thought as I need two workers for the shower time as Ray is temporarily two person assist. This means two people are here for the first half an hour then one goes off to another client and one stays here. I am not sure how long this is going to be for but I guess someone will judge when he is walking okay and balancing alone and then we will go back to one person again.
All this would have been avoided if Ray had been hospitalized when he had the fall. Then the services would have been funded as “aftercare” with a lot more people involved and I would not have had to do all the organizing. There is a kind of irony about all of this. The squeaky wheel gets the most oil so because I am fairly self-sufficient we are not seen as people in a crisis so I don’t get the help I need. And because I don’t get the help I need I am more likely to break down and have to put Ray into care (SNF) which in the long run is less cost-effective. Make you wonder if there is any thought that a little help now will save a lot of money in the future?
And so back to the story of my visitor: she discussed the issues with her doctor son this morning expressing that she wanted to help more. He said: “You are too old to help Mum”. Which of course is not true. A casserole is a great help. Tonight I can do some other job instead of cooking an evening meal. My friend Gwen has taken that load off my shoulders by providing us with dinner. God bless her and all those like her.
So I am hoping hat the weakness Ray is experiencing is a side effect of the small stroke on the 30th May and not something else. I am hoping if I keep getting him up by myself that it will retrain his brain and he will once again get up by himself. If the weakness is either the stroke or from the shock of the falls then it should gradually disappear. If none of this happens I am going to have to look at the future and work out if I can cope for the next while and if not what I will need to put into place to do so.
I have managed to look after Ray for over twelve years, a few more will be possible if I can get some help. There is no real reason that he cannot remain in the house he built and sit on the verandah for many sunny days yet. As long as I stay strong and organize things so I don’t break down or burn out.
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