I’ve been away for a few days and Trev got to sit with his Dad in hospital on Sunday when Ray had another seizure and the nursing home staff sent him to the nearest hospital for more blood tests. He has to have his seizure medication increased. Today they gave him a “whiff of oxygen” to get him alert enough to get up out of bed so looks like things have changed again. He has been through so much this year and yet he still has a smile for the nurses.

I have just got back from the south coast – rain, rain and more rain. I took Lucas down with me so the two grandkids down south had someone else to play/fight with. Interesting watching who played with who at which game. I love them all heaps but being closed in with them over seven days of bad weather got a bit wearying.

The weather should be warming up again but seems to have gone back to winter. The long weekend, first weekend in October, is usually one where families go camping so I felt sorry for all those under canvas. It was bad enough inside where we were dry but not as warm as usual as the heating had been turned off. At least we got another week’s wear out of our winter blankets; I had to ask for another one as the downstairs bedroom was freezing at night.

The fun part of being with the grandkids is doing the holiday things, so I went with them to see the new Smurf movie, ate popcorn and had a special drink. I laughed in the right places in the movie but I am old enough to remember the last Smurf craze. Now I really wish I had kept all those figurines. We went to the church’s Teddy bears Picnic on Saturday afternoon and my team won the balloon game with a lot of laughter. It reminded me of my days as a Tupperware dealer when such games were in vogue. We also had morning tea out a couple of times and walked on the beach on a day when there were some sunny spells.

I went to see Ray today and he was very sleepy. He had been in bed all day resting which of course is not good for his circulation, mobility etc. The staff assumed he needed a couple of days of bedrest after having a seizure. I’ll make sure he gets up tomorrow. I want to say to the staff: “How will this all end? What is the prognosis? Show me how I will get through all this” but I know there are questions no-one can answer. I wish I was more patient and could just accept that life has to go through certain processes and then the end comes. But it is hard to get my head around all that. I spent a year as a voluntary hospital chaplain and have seen it all before but somehow when it is your own beloved laying there you are so vulnerable.

I also went to see my Mum; she was in one of the common rooms as her new room mate cries out so they keep the other three out of the room as much as possible. Dementia is such a sad disease. The room mate is also younger than I am so it touches my heart too to see her so distressed. Mum is mostly asleep now. Again I want to ask: “Is this the end now? Will she go to sleep one day and not wake up? When should I bring the family with me to see her one last time?” but those too are questions no-one can answer.

The good news is that I am to be a grandmother again in the middle of next year. Trev and Edie are to have a baby and Lucas will be a “big brother”. He admires Christopher as the big brother of Naomi so the next little girl or boy will have a strong protector. I am glad this is happening now as the family needs something good to look forward to. We speak too much of death and dying.

There are still many things to be done before I have fixed up the paperwork for Ray so tomorrow it is back to that. I am glad I had a break as I was getting too tired with all of the aspects of the transferring of Ray’s full-time care to others. No-one can care like a caregiver at home can but when she/he cannot do all that needs to be done the only choice is handing over the care to others and that is not easy to do.

I am hoping for a few sunny days to get some spring cleaning done, air out the house and introduce some bright colours back into my life. I am so over cold, wet days.