We went to bed around midnight, last night. So, of course, that meant that Monster was up and waking me to let him out at around 8 this morning. Somehow, I couldn't go back to sleep after that.

Well, I decided to tackle the dishes in the sink (not that there were very many of them), then do a good cleaning of the floor of my bedroom. After that, I cleaned off the diningroom table. It was about 11:30 by the time I was finished and I was good and tired. But, I felt like I had accomplished something, another step forward.

What I am finding the most difficult is the fact that I have not lived by myself for the past 22 years. I was either married, or I had 3 kids and all of their friends around. Now, it is just Monster, Calypso and me. I miss companionship in the evenings and on the weekends, some one my own age (and human) to share a conversation, a movie, a walk in the park, a trip to a museaum, so sit close to and watch television. Monster is great for the "pack touch" experience, and I am grateful for him, but neither he nor Calypso is much on conversation.

I don't want a romantic interest. I want a friend. I want some one who loves mysteries and art as much as I do, likes going to the theater or the museaum, enjoys playing ball with Monster at the dog park, and prefers to stay in with a pot of tea or coffee, a favorite movie or television program, and a good conversation. At the end of the evining, I want to curl up in my own bed with Monster and Calypso and go sleep, just me and my little pack. I want simple, calm and peaceful.

Garion and Jeanna decided that what I needed was to go with them, on Sunday, to the Unitarian church anbd meet new people. Maybe I do. Faith and Spirituality mean a great deal to me, but I can't sit in the church I have been attending for the past 10 years, knowing that Sam's Father, the "retired priest in residence" not only condones, but encourages his son to go through with this divorce, because he "cannot deal with a wife who has dementia." That seems very hypocritical of him and I cannot sit in service with him or his family because of that. It is better if I go some place where I can sit in service with my heart unburdened by pain and hurt, and without feeling angry toward anyone.

My mother thinks it is a good idea, but has cautioned me to take things very slowly. Well, I agree with that. She says I need to maintain the peace and calm that I am developing in my home and not rush into anything, friendship or anything else. I think she is right. Mom also cautioned me not to let myself get caught up into being a "mover and shaker" in this church - if I choose to make it my place of worship. That leads to politics and that is more stress than I need to be anywhere around. She's absolutely right.

So, after 3 weeks of cloistering myself in my home, my next step forward seems to be to get back out into society and celebrate my faith in God's unconditional love, hopefully meeting people who will become new friends at the same time. Frankly, I'm a little nervous, but I can't let that or fear stop me.