I got a little positive male attention over the weekend, and in the mean time, made Sam feel jealous and uncomfortable. I felt like I had gotten "a little of my own back" because of that.

Sunday, I had some girl time with Laney and Jeanna. Time with "my girls" is always a good thing.

Monday was Zumba Gold (for beginners, older people and those with limitations) day. Since Laney & Kevin's truck died, we are sharing mine. The kids had it Monday morning. So I walked to Zumba (it's only a block), and even managed to take the whole 45 minute class. I got a ride home. After that, I decided it was time to undo 2 years of Sam's neglect in the back yard. Garion and Jeanna came over to help out. We got a lot accomplished and the yard looks great.

Tuesday, I was sore in muscle areas that I forgot I had. So I spent the day not doing anything to recover from all the work on Monday.

Today was "Mom on call" day. Logan called and asked to be picked up from school, then he called later to ask if I could pick him up from work. He stayed for dinner - a dinner box from Pizza Hut - and a movie, then he went home.

It's now 9:00 at night, and it is just Monster, Calypso and I. Somehow, tonight, I'm not feeling lonely, like I have been up to now. Maybe I'm getting used to being alone. Maybe I've just had enough company for a day or two.

I have noticed that, alone, things seem much easier to keep picked up. There is no one to distract me by wanting me to listen to hte entire plot of some fantasy novel he is reading that does not interest me at all, so I don't forget to do things like the dishes, or make the bed.

By that score, there is no one to walk into a room and start flipping through tv chanels while I am watching a program, or ask me to get him a drink, then change the program. There is no one to ask what he wants for dinner, only to be told "food," and no one leaving the clothes he was wearing all over the livingroom on a daily basis.

Do I still want companionship? Well, frankly, yes. But I am starting to see that I really want that companionship on my terms. I don't want to give up the little world I have spent the last month creating for myself. Iike inviting people into it for short periods of time, but after a while, I'm happy to be alone again.

Sam did "drop by" last night, for about 15 minutes, to drop off dog food for Monster. Why he felt he had to buy him food, I have no idea, but at the same time, why should I stop him? I allowed him into the house long enough to bring in the 40 pound bag of food and put it away. Of course, he took a few minutes more to take a look at my home. I don't know what he was expecting, but I don't think he found it. He seemed a little deflated that everything was nice, neat, ordered, and showed absolutely no signs that anyone had recently moved their things out. When he told me the house "looked great," he seemed a little depressed or upset about it.

I had a knot in my stomach the whole time he was here. It wasn't the knot of anticipation, it was the knot of dread that people get when they really do not want to deal with something, but make themselves do it. I just didn't want him in my space. It didn't go away until this morning.

A week ago, I still wanted Sam back. Now I don't. I want him to feel like he made me feel, but most of all, I want him to go away and just leave me alone. He didn't treat me very well in a lot of ways and, frankly, I've come to decide that I deserve better.