Why on earth do i feel depressed
Thank you so much to all 5 of you who commented on my last blog. I often re-read old comments from time to time for inspiration. Even though I do not reply to you all individually, I always read every comment and I appreciate the support from everyone!
One of the reasons I have not blogged is because I feel depressed and I made a promise last year not to blog about sad things all the time like I used to. I keep things to myself or just write in my prayer journal instead. Sometime it helps. Sometimes it makes it worse. I decided to blog now though because I don't have anything sad to complain about. So why do I feel depressed?
I don't understand it. I am working, I go to school, and I drive. I stayed depressed for 4 very long years of high school because I could not work (because of my disability) drive (because of my disability) and school was hell since I had no friends (because of my disability). Now I can work, I accomplished soo much in school, and I drive everywhere. I am so proud of myself taking myself everwhere. My dad is proud of me as well. I have driven through pouring rain, at night, through construction zones, I even took a little road trip and drove down the interstate getting off at exits and everything! This is the life I always wanted but thought I would never have. I can get up and go wherever I want whenever I want and I do. but i dont feel happy and I dont understand why. I am so thankful for all of my blessings. I thank God but I put myself down and I feel worse for feeling unhappy like what is wrong with me.
I had an appointment with my neurologist a few weeks ago and he tested me for pseudobulbar affect. Turns out I do have it. It is funny because I could not stop laughing while he was asking me the questions about uncontrollable laughter. He has some medicine for me but I have to get an EKG on my heart before I can start the medicine. I just don't want to start the medicine. I feel like I need an antidepressant more than a medicine that will stop uncontrollable laughter but I am scared to start the pseudobulbar affect medication for the same reason Im scared to start an anti-depressant. What if it doesn't work? What if I have to stay on it for life? I just don't know.
No matter where I go, what I do, how much "fun" I try to have, nothing makes me feel happy. The last time I felt happy was when I used the bioness and felt my hand move. My dad has had bouts of depression since he retired last July and my mom has dealt with depression all her life and right now her paranoia schizophrenia is getting worse. Maybe it is just hereditary and it is in my genes to be sad an unhappy. I am not going to kill myself but I do not want to live. I just feel like why am I here? Heaven would be so much better than living in this horrible country where bad things happen all the time. It is scary because my mom was this same way after her cancer and there is a history of mental illness on her side of the family so I am afraid I will end up like her. I first felt depressed when I was a child. I would write suicide notes and how I wanted my funeral to be when I was like 9 years old.
Should I talk to my neurologist? Should I start medication to keep my sadness from getting worse? Wont antidepressant increase suicidal thoughts? There is a warning label on my keppra that says contact the doctor if I feel sadness, mood changes, or fear but you all remember what happened when my doc switched my seizure medicine a few months ago so I know I cant stop taking the seizure meds even if it is causing sadness. I just feel like I have been depressed my whole life and am doomed to be depressed for the rest of my life because it runs in my family. It just sucks because I want so badly to be happy. I pray I read the Bible, I hang out with friends, I think about all the good things in life but I can do all that in one day and still cry myself to sleep at the end of the day because I just feel sad. I wish I knew how to explain this to my neurologist. I don't know if it is pseudobulbar affect or depression I just wish it would go away.
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