It has been ten days without a seizure for Ray but he just had two days in bed because of a bladder infection caused by the catheter. It seems as if he goes from one type of illness to another. I guess his immune system is compromised. Wish there was a simple treatment that would fix all this.

I now spend three hours and sometimes more a week with Mum. Sometimes the visits are short, sometimes longer. I just sit with her, engage her as much as I can. To me she is who she always has been and as I watch the expressions on her face I see her as she was at various stages in her life. I have my memories and cruel as Alzheimer's is they can never be taken away.

She is either in her bed or in her water chair when I get there and either place I can simply be with her. She is beyond responding now but often I catch her looking at me and although she is almost blind I wonder if she can see and hear me.I know if I were in her position I would want to have love expressed and so I often say: "You are beautiful Mum and always will be" and "I love you Mum." It is the very least I can do now.

I feel as if we are getting close to the end for her now so want to spend more time with her. I now go three times a week, every Thursday and Friday mornings and either Monday or Tuesday morning. I try to do this without losing any time with Ray. So far it is working out okay. I guess I have accepted her being in care in a way I am struggling to come to terms with with Ray. Maybe that is because she is so old, 93 is a good age. But also because as she has been in care for so long I have long since lost that feeling of being responsible for her that I still feel with Ray.

A friend from church came to the nursing home this week. She is Ray's pew mate from last year. Sadly she has had a fall and damaged a knee which because of her other illnesses can't be operated on so she has lost her mobility. She formerly lived with her only daughter who finds it all too much now. Thus lovely lady has been close to suicide so I hope she will be accept the decision and not get too depressed. Once she is up and in a wheelchair I can take her wherever Ray and I are so she has company.

I just love the guys Ray shares his room with. They are good to him and to me. The man in the next bed gets a Sydney daily paper and shares that with us. It has given me something to read on the rainy days and days like the last two when Ray has been confined to his bed. They also have a sense of humour so we always seem to end up laughing at something one of them has said. I have found the biography of one of Ray's favourite TV presenters in the library and have started reading that to him, one of the cleaners came in to do his room today and said: "Go on reading, I love to hear you read." I think it is things like that that give me a reason to go on.

I am praying that the weather improves and we have that lovely Indian summer we can sometimes have in late March and April. I want to be able to get outside and do some gardening. I want those walks I promised myself some time ago. I feel as if I have gained weight and lost muscle tone. Too much sitting by Ray's bed does nothing for my energy levels. I really need to go for a walk and come back later to check on him some days. There is some reasonably flat walking from where he is down to the Lake so i should be able to get walks in in cooler, dryer weather. It is motivation I lack.

I have been reading a book about forgiveness and how harboring unforgiveness can raise barriers in your life. I know i carry a lot of resentment about the strokes and what they have done to our lives. I somehow have to overcome that bad attitude and concentrate on our lives as they are and make the most of the time we have. I still love Ray, he is my husband and I want the best for him. If that means making the most of where he is now so be it.

So pray for me and help me keep true to what I am trying to do. I know Asha will do that, she is my example for living in the moment and making life's lemons into lemonade.