learning to be diplomatic
With Ray in full-time care now I face a lot of events that are beyond my control owing to policies of the facility in which he lives. For me as a former full-time caregiver and now a supervisor of his in-residence care I am having to learn a whole lot of new diplomatic skills to deal with new situations.
I have laid down a policy for them to follow on all sorts of circumstances, what to do if he has a bad virus, what to do if he stops breathing (yes, do send him to hospital) what to do to bring him out of seizures, when to notify me, when to use the head nurse's discretion etc. There doesn't seem to be a support group for people in my situation so I still rely on this site and a couple of others dealing with dementia where some people have put their loved ones into full-time care.
I have had to learn not to feel out of control when Ray gets sick or something goes wrong in his life. It is very hard to do sometimes. At present the NH is "closed" due to an epidemic of gastric virus and I haven't seen him for a week so I have to rely on phone calls to staff. It is very frustrating. The staff of course are focused on preventing the disease from spreading so visitors are locked out until the epidemic is conquered in this facility. I understand that but desperately want to see Ray, I miss him so. Gastric viruses have hit most local nursing homes. Ray's has been in lock down since last Monday, Mum's since last Wednesday. I haven't been to see either of them as I don't want to spread it unnecessarily...sigh.
My daughter Shirley came up on Tuesday with her two children and I was so happy to have them with me. Because of the rain we had to spend a lot of time inside and I was glad she was able to take her coffee out on the verandah with a book and have some quiet time while the grandchildren and I danced and played noisy games on the Wii. As a Salvation Army officer her life is a busy one and I do want her to have some down time. Those who do not take care of their own needs cannot take care of the needs of others.
They stayed for three nights but she had to go home without seeing Ray or her Grandmother. It was very frustrating for her. I enjoyed her and the two grandchildren being here and we made the most of our time together,including a fifteen minute visit to the beach between showers. She was able to visit with both her brothers so the little cousins caught up with each other too.
During that time I was unable to use the internet at all as we had three days of heavy rain so my internet link has been down again, back up again now thank goodness. Oh the joys of modern technology! That meant she had only Saturday to prepare for her church meeting today and tonight so she forfeited her usual Saturday off. I know it is a sacrifice she makes to come here and I do appreciate that.
I've just replied to a message that included the fact that adult children in a family do not step up to the plate when we need them. I have written on this subject a lot during my blog writing here and I don't have the answer, just that wistful question - why? In my times when I needed my children to visit I have screamed and yelled, cajoled and threatened, begged and cried and sometimes it has worked out and my children have visited and most of the time it hasn't.
I know with my sister not seeing Mum that it is a sad, sad thing but it is part of human nature that we feel we have the right to make our own decisions, mine is to visit Mum, hers is not to. I still see my sister, I don't make two wrongs into a right as my Dad used to say. It is another case of being diplomatic. I leave her to her own conscience. I just wish she had visited Mum in the facility the 10 years and more that Mum has been there. Just as I now wish my own children would see their Dad more often. As the saying goes "wishing won't make it so".
Asha, I am trying once more to "go with the flow" I hope one day it seems the right thing to do.
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