Memories
Well 9 years as a survivor, I somettimes miss "what I used to have" but I am extremely grateful of what i do have.. I am much better off than many surviors in what I was able to regain.
I miss John so much, I can't even begin to express it here. Without his support and "pushing" I am sure I woulld not have regained this much..
"The winde beneth my wings" was one of our favorite songs.
July 28th was 13 months.... It was Saturday, and I had been reading on a "grief" site about some people getting tattioo's. John did not like tattoo's but I have a very small one. I got 30 yrs ago. Well I drove into town. to a Tattoo parlor ( some of the guys would come into the copy shop, and I know thy have been in business a long time) I had a small ring tattooed on my wedding ring finger. I have lost a lot of weight ..and my rings are very loose, Once they came off and I was in a panic , but knew I had not left the house.. I usually hang up the dish towel on th oven door handle, but for some reason I had laid it on the counter... and there they were. I wore them a little longer; but so afraid of losing them. the tat is a small red heart and on each side a swirl.. I did not realize until later. when you look at the swirl.it looks like an S. which is the first initial of our last name.
The secon is on the inside of my left forearm ( so I can see it too) It s a cross, shaded with grey. It has a red heart, a ribbon/banner is cured around the cross the top ribbon says Bonnie and tthe bottom John, the banner is shaded with some blue.. During John's fight with cancer he would mentioned seeing a Beautiful Orange light, and would ask If I could see it. So behind the cross is an orange glow.
Ii am not totally comfortable in my new life, He gave me confidence through the stroke, I felt safe and protected. I am a bit clumsy, but I mabage many things. I think I mentioned in my last long ramble that my daughter & her husband do live here, so I am not alone. They both work day shift.. and I have the honor of being the doorman for 7 dogs and 2 cats during the day. LOL We have 5 acres, but one of my daughterr's dogs has to be on a cable run.. she is young.. and has crossed the highway several time.. also has found an interrest in a couple of the neighbors chickens.... otherwise, I coulld just leave the doors open, I do when she is out on her cable run.. She has a long cabe and large area to run.. We are hoping some day when she settles down ( she is not quite 2) that she will stay on the property and not be such a gypsy.
Since "the kids" work day shift I usually try to have dinner ready for them when they get home.. If I really don't feeli like cooking.. we just "wing " it..
Trying to find my new normal now as a stroke survivor and widow.. and some days it is one day at a time.
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