small niggley worries
Ray is sitting in the comfy chair asleep when I got to the nursing home today. I was nearly two hours later than usual as I went to a meeting that went an hour and a half longer than it should have. It was a meeting I did need to be at though. Ray was asleep so I sat and read for a while. That gives me something to do. Evenually he woke up and I gave him the drink on his tray. I found a spoon in his drawer to feed it to him with. Thickened drinks go thicker as time passes so this one was like jelly. He couldn't have drunk it by himself. He needs the regular drinks to stay hydrated.
Ray had dark circles under his eyes and his breathing was accompanied by a bubbling noise. If he had been running a temperature as well I would have been down at the nurses station pronto but he seemed cool enough. Not another dose of pneumonia I hope. A lot of sounds come from his throat as he has "pockets", caused by older stroke damage, where any liquid can gather so his breaths sound like someone bubbling through a straw. Luckily I have heard Mum doing that over the years and know it is not too dangerous, just part of having a chest infection. When the chest infection clears up the noise goes away.
Ray awake seemed slow...very slow. He smiled at me but closed his eyes. I asked him a question, he watched me but did not answer my question. When a nurse came in I got her to look at him and she asked him if he was tired. He gave her a small smile and closed his eyes. She too felt his forehead. She decided to get him put back into bed but said it could be a while as the care workers were slowly working their way up the corridor, cleaning up, changing, putting people into bed. I know it is a routine and do not expect preferential treatment for Ray.
When the care workers came in one said to me: "You were not here today, we put Ray into chair specially but you not here for lunch." It was true, that is my usual rouitne and the staff now expect that I will be there to give him lunch. Maybe I am too reliable and it has been thought that I will always be there. Just the question is enough to make me feel guilty...of course I should have been there. What was I thinking? Ray is my first priority therefore... You've all been there with parents, kids, spouses or pets. That situation where you leave one thing undone and your mind says: " you should, you should, you should."
Mum is still in lock-down mode so I can't see her. I was looking at a photo today that accompanied one of the slide presentations. It was a pair of old hands. For a moment they were my Mum's hands. I had to hurry out of the room to stop myself from crying on the spot. How vulnerable we all are to "see" the one we love, the one on our mind, wherever we go. Of course they were not my Mum's hands but because I can't see her because of the lock-down there is that guilt, that voice saying again: " you should, you should, you should".
My life is too full again, partly my choice, partly circumstances. My next door neighbour on the bottom (western) side is building a new house. He was going to extend the old one but now he is going to demolish the old one and rebuild. It is going to be five bedrooms, two storeys etc. It will be taking up most of the block, casting a shadow etc. I am supposed to put in some objections, I finally got to that as it is due on Monday. I don't really care what happens as I will sell some time in the future but in the meantime I have to live with whatever goes onto the next block so I need to be pro-active to safeguard my house. I hate that I have to do that.
I have become quickly involved in the life of the congregation through some welfare issues. I know I don't really have time for that but it is my nature to jump in boots and all and do what I can to help others. Now I have to assess if this is the right thing to do right now. I still have a lot to do with the visits to Mum, Ray etc. Sure there is a need to look outside of my own small circle but if I get too involved it is more stress, more of my time taken up etc. So decision time before someone assumes I'll do what I am capable of doing rather than what I have time to do.
And then there is all the other things I am neglecting. I couldn't get to the meeting this month of our old church group, I meant to send out some sympathy cards, I only did one home communion, I still have to buy birthday presents for this months family birthdays etc etc. I did manage to ring Ray's sister for her birthday yesterday. I asked Ray whose birthday it was and gave him the date and he did remember, it is the only birthday he does remember - his favourite sister. She does ring occasionally and comes down maybe once every two years, the other sister he hasn't seen for maybe 15 years. got to be grateful for small mercies...in both cases...lol.
I want to be able to make some plans etc to live a week at a time but know that as always it is a day at a time. I want to do some forward planning to make sure I make the right steps necessary for getting the house and yard ready for summer sucessfully but it is one day at a time. Maybe if I list the jobs I can sqeeeeeze them in, sideways if necessary. Yep, one day at a time. I know, I know.
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