waiting on my Strokeaversary
Christmas eve I will be celebrating 1yr of surviving my stroke. I don’t know how I am surviving because it is pretty debilitating. For me the most debilitating part is the emotions I face each and every day. Christmas items trigger me into a state of anxiety of depression. I get really sad because my memories of those painful moments are so vivid. The insensitive, idiotic things people said to me when I was under their care are on playback. So what now? Im full of questions and low on answers. I even want to cause events that will force me to think of my accomplishments but it backfires sometimes because I feel sorry for myself. I picked up my cane last week; which I graduated from in May. When I held it next to me I imitated how I walked when I depended on it and collapsed with tears. How could I be “safe” now? My doctor has even called my head a ticking time bomb; in my old life I would have been called a bombshell and not a time bomb lol. So I copied this painting from an artist I really like. It’s my second one and I think she is just the portrait of how I feel. Lost for words; defeated with no advocacy when she is weak.
I hope next year brings me a new prod sense of self.
so until then i will try to think of ways i can celebrate instead of being sad that day.
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