a day i dont want to remember
Today is a day I don't want to remember
so clear in my mind like the 11th of September
2001 such a tragic year
who knew I'd spend the rest of my life in fear
Not only of terrorist attacks but of seizures for life,
of more surgeries, another stroke, never becoming someone's wife
Who can slip a ring on my crippled hand?
I'd rather have been killed by the taliban
because my life ended in 2001
God gave me 12 years to have my fun
Since then happiness has been few and far in between
No matter how hard I try I cant feel a thing
Like a curse, the stroke numbed my emotions
Brain damaged searching for magic potions
I thought an anti-depressant would be my happy pill
but happiness seems to be something I just cant feel
The surgeons removed joy from my brain
all that is left is discontent and pain
These are the only two emotions I am capable of feeling
since I never received my long awaited healing
they said my left side would be good as new
told me of all the miracles Jesus would do
Now 11 years later all hope is lost
They never told me miracles come with a cost
insurance, therapy, bioness,
There's no magical button for God to press
being happy is easier said than done
Getting back to normal is a battle I have not won
"But you've accomplished so much" they try to remind me
The stroke was so long ago I should just put it behind me
But the pain of one day outweighs all of my good days combined
10-18-01 the day happiness was permanently removed from my mind
I wrote this poem yesterday. I cry when trying to read it out loud. As most of you know yesterday was my 11 year stroke anniversary. I tried to be happy but I couldnt even blog because expressing my feelings only made me cry harder. I feel so bad for not being happy. I have not been writing much because I wanted to stick to my vow of keeping my blog positive. I have been participating in a creative writing class so I usually put my sad thoughts in the journal we are required to keep. I try to just share good things with you guys but I figured I'd share how my stroke anniversary was.
I never know what to expect on my stroke anniversary. Most of the time it's like birthdays and new years, I have a pity party over all the things I still can not do, sometimes I am just thankful to be alive and try to focus on the good things that have occurred since 2001. I tried this year. I really tried. For those of you who follow my blog and post, you should understand my poem perfectly especially the last few lines. I wish I could break down every single line but I will spare you the negativity.
Basically here I am 23 years old, living on my own, cooking for myself doing my own laundry, running my household, finally got my license in my wallet after fighting 5 very long years for it, finally receiving SSI after being denied for years after my stroke. Made my hometown proud when I graduated valedictorian on a full ride scholarship with a 4.0 gpa. I can walk, I can talk, there is so much technology out there for me to get better. I dont have seizures anymore. I haven't had a brain surgery since 2003. How dare I complain? How dare I insult God and dismiss all He's done for me? It makes me feel worse that I feel like God is angry at me. I am not ungrateful. I am so thankful for all that I have. It's just that I cant feel happy. I threw my zoloft in the trash yesterday. My neurologist upped my dosage from 25 to 50 last month but clearly it is not working. My poem was not about how I cant clap my hands or see in my left field. I have accepted these things. My poem was about how no matter what happens, I just cant seem to feel happy. I dont even remember what happiness is. The closest I got to happiness this year was using the bioness last October. Im sorry I just cant compensate my stroke deficits with my accomplishments to equal happiness. I don't care if I win the lottery tomorrow. Nothing can amount to me getting the miracle I've been waiting for the longest
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