Should be Happiest time of my life!
As I sit here today thinking about all the things I should be thankful for and how happy I should be, I can't help but be sad. I am increasingly becoming depressed with this thing that is taking away our happiness. I am becoming bitter and withdrawn. My family seems to think I have forgotten about them because I spend all my time at home taking care of Mike.
When my first granchild was born I was always there to visit and take her places, keeping her overnight and bonding with her. I haven't even babysat my Grandson the first time since he was born in March! I only watch him grow by the picture texts my daughter sends me periodically. When I do have a chance to go visit him he usually cries the whole time I hold him because he doesn't know who I am! It breaks my heart. I want to be part of his life but I just can't right now.
I should be planning my wedding, so far all I have acomplished is to figure out who is gonna be in it and where it is gonna be! I do have my dress, but that is only because by a sheer stroke of luck, I already had one before Mike asked me to marry him. Thats a whole other story in its self. I just can't seem to get the energy to go shopping for bridesmaids dresses, flowers and all the other stuff needed to have a wedding and its in April! Thats only 5 months away!
I should be happy that I am getting married to the love of my life but for some reason it just seems to be something else to worry about.
Mike started OT a few weeks ago to try and regain some of the mobility lost in his arm and hand. I called around and found a therapist that would take him and let us make payments until his dissability kicks in. At first I thought this was going to be just what he needed to get back on track after not having it for 2 months but he just will not do the excercises he needs to do at home! I do the messages that she has taught me to do and I can see a diffrence in the range of motion he gets when I do them but that is all I can do, he has to do the muscle building excercises himself! He says he wants to get his arm and hand back but he will not do what it takes to get there! I know I can't make him do them and I have told him that it is up to him but that doesn't seem to be working! I think I am gonna tell him until he commits to doing his part I am gonna suspend therapy, after all why should I pay for it if he isn't willing to use it?
I just don't know what to do anymore. I sit here and think about all the things I need to be doing and want to do but I just dont have the desire.
I feel bad that I can go out and enjoy things with my friends and family without having to have someone take me and "babysit" me and Mike can't . He cannot go anywhere without me. I know he is getting tired of not being able to enjoy his friends or just going to the store by himself. If I go out without him all he can do is sit here and watch tv or sleep! What kind of life is that? If he only had some friends that would come over and spend some time with him. Seriously don't you that can't go out on your own get tired of it?
Well guess I will shut up for now. Thanks for letting me vent. Wish I could say I feel better but I don't. Life has never been easy for me and I don't know why I thought it would get any better.
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