I am still feeling very vulnerable. On Sunday I had a meltdown in church when one of the hymns referred to "going down to the grave". Without even thinking suddenly I found there were tears streaming down my face and I was in meltdown. One of the older ladies stepped up and gave me a hug and then suggested I go wash my hands and face and maybe have a drink of water. Several ladies came up at the morning tea and said after xxx number of years after their husbands passed away they still did that sometimes when a certain song came on the radio etc.

It was Rememberance Day also, a day special to my father who was a British soldier although later an Australian citizen. So after church I went to see Mum for a short visit then went on to the cemetery and spent some time looking at Dad's grave and then Ray's. It was a sombre morning so I guess the weather matched my mood. I then went on to visit an old friend whose behaviour is worrying me right now. She seems to rarely leave her house now and I know while old age and some physical problems are part of the reason it is so unlike her as she is usually a bubbly outgoing woman. I think my visit cheered her up as we did some laughing and joking but it will be an ongoing problem I think and I hope her family will see it and acknowledge it. She is to go to a family wedding in a couple of weeks time so hopefully her sons and her daughter will spend some time with her then.

I can understand where she is coming from as like me she was a long term caregiver. It is very different being a widow when you have been a wife and a caregiver. Looking back I was really a caregiver for 22 years as Ray had the first stroke in 1990 and although he recovered and went back to work chronic fatigue issues meant he came home really tired so I took up the slack at home and both worked and studied and raised our 15 year old, organised our 18 year old and mentored our 21 year old. The time from the 1999 strokes on you all know about. So here I am, out the other end, Sue alone, wondering what to do with my life.

Someone told me I should see what my life consisted of when the strokes happened and see if I could do some of the things I did back then. That would be a little difficult as in 1999 I was working as a public servant and helping out in a Parish as well as overseeing my parents who were getting overcome by events, my Dad having advancing cancer and my Mum having Alzheimers. I did their shopping, used my days off to take them to medical appointments etc. You all know most of what happened once Ray had the 1999 strokes as it is documented here in my blogs (okay I don't expect you to remember all that but you will remember some of it).

I could take up some hobbies but I don't think I could manage that yet. It is too soon. I am still somewhat emotionally raw. I only have to see a couple walking hand in hand, hear a song with personal significence or even see a caregiver walking toward me with a man in a wheelchair to have to hurry off to the powder room to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I can't see me volunteering anywhere else for a while yet. Of course I still do on here as Blog Moderatior and Chat host, mainly because my chat group would not hear of me leaving!

Of course I am getting heaps of advice from my "friends" so I politely thank people for their kind thoughts and like eating chicken I feed on what it helpful and put aside the rest. I know people mean well and often it is out of ignorance that they say things that are totally inappropriate and insensitive. I have to overlook that as much as I can for the sake of continuing friendships, I need them if I am not to have a lonely old age. It is not easy some days and I want to scream "what the h*ll would you know" when another friend says "just get yourself a little hobby or do some travelling". But they mean well, they really do. They have just not had the same experiences as I have as yet.

I really worry about Mum, I know there is so little I can do for her. Today when I visited she was wriggling and looked uncomfortable so I repositioned her, something I don't usually do. Then I sat next to her bed and sang to her. I sing old songs she used to play on the piano when I was young if I remember the words, old church songs and hymns, even nursery rhymes if I can't think of anything else. It seems to settle her down. There is so little I can do with her now. I take her out into the sun when she is sitting in her comfy chair but the past few days when I visited she has been in bed, I guess because she is still on antibiotics.

While I was singing today I heard a movement and looked around and there were four trainees standing right behind me. They all had puzzled looks on their faces. I guess they thought it strange I was sitting there beside a sleeping old lady singing away in what is not the best singing voice in the world. Maybe when they get home and think about what I was doing they will realise that it was just to comfort my Mum, in the same way we sing to our babies to calm them down and maybe some night, by the bedside of a restless old lady they will find themselves doing the same.

I know what it is I am missing, it is Ray, my husband of 44 years, and my purpose in life which was to take care of him.

PS I did go down to Shirley's last week, I went down by train on Wednesday, a five hour trip, then went to see my grandson Christopher being the MC of his concert,which was very good. I came back on Thursday with Craig as he went four hours further north to take his Mum home. Christopher was so pleased to have his two grandmothers, his uncle on his Dad's side and the Corps youth worker as his guests at the concert as well as his Mum and Dad and his sister. So I did do one thing that was fun.