i try not to blog so much misery but, thats all i got,, 2 yr coming
i try to tell myself not to blog so much, but the simple fact is there is more than enough misery in my household that it spills, for lack of a better word.. so i guess spilling it here is the appropriate place.. dan is on the want to die road again.... the tiredness he had, from the titration up turned into dizziness ( or it was all together ) who knows ... but now its full blown depression with a suicidal ideation... he just wants to die, not so much suicide per say ..he really has no way to do that ( mind you he is resourceful though) but his method is passive ... wont eat, ok , wont drink NOT OK, and wont take his meds NOT OK.. - sorta( we can go a long time with no actual food) so i am less concerned about food... but it is a all or nothing with dan anyhow.. ... so through out the day i periodically will bring drinks, and food.. nope.. offered his meds... these are not something i am leaving around.. and he refused although i must have tried 20 times.. tried to negotiate the pills, nothing...so we are on day 3 of no real nutrition ( he did have that piece of pie yesterday AM) but thats it since friday... now friday he was reasonable well hydrated. so he hasent drank saturday, sunday and today... so we are on the brink now.... the refusal of meds started just today AM.. so tomorrow will be the start of problems most likely although it might not begin till weds..... i hate watching a train wreck, and i am unable to stop it, just have knowlege of it.... not much can be done until there is a actual medical issue.. i cant haul him in at any rate ( he wont move) - says he is staying in bed till he dies-- even with aphasia as bad as he has it , he did make that clear... thank goodness for briefs and waterproof pads. i think he also knows we are coming up on his 2 yr strokerversary....and the fact he is not "cured" or better even ( although he has come a lonng ways) . has got him deciding he is gonna give it up... and if he could "will "himself to death he would be dead already, but he can't ... he knows he has severe cognition issues , cant talk ( aphasic) , cant really walk without someone with him at all times, suffers from no antecedent grandmal seizures... he just doesent see himself as someone of value anymore.... although he is , he is my husband, the father of my children, a grandfather, the hardest working man i have ever known, who only wanted to provide for his family.. who worked 2 jobs for years so we could be ready to help the kids and have a somewhat secure retirement.. he is very valuable to me.. and i instill that as much as i can/could through out this whole ordeal... but here i am 2 yrs out and still we get a glimpse of our life now and then as it should have been... but mostly just heartbreak of what could have been....i can adjust and adapt to whatever i have to, but dan was holding out thinking one day, he would be cured.. and yes some strides can still be made ... but it is unlikely, barring a miracle, that he will be able to become someone he considers of value... although as i said before my value and his value he places on himself are vastly different . again i am just venting......... this has been done before , and if he could retain information he would remember that... unfortunately this is dejavue AGAIN for all of us here on strokrnet..nancyl
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