still caged bird
Yesterday I had a moment at work where I was fighting back tears. First of all last week a customer asked me what happened to my hand and told me she noticed because she works at the hospital. As I told her why I couldn't get anymore therapy, I felt like I needed to keep looking. Even though my doctor and his nurse couldn't find any providers in Charlotte that will take my dad's insurance, and I searched the website and called a list of providers myself, I just knew there has to be a provider in this city that will take my dad's insurance. So I dug a little deeper and found one. I have an appointment next Wednesday right after my neurology appointment. (Had another minor seizure Tuesday morning. Still remained conscious just woke up from my sleep and felt nauseous and felt like my head was shaking. I thought it stopped but then it started again. Next time I looked at the clock I had been sleep for a hour. )
So back to work. I met a lady on Thursday who was looking for a inspirational book for her mom. I was trying to help her find Joel Osteen books because she said her mom listens to him a lot. Then she told me her mom just had a stroke. I honestly told her "lady I read all the time and there are no books that can make you feel better about having a stroke. I had a stroke when I was 12. Im 24 now. Sometimes even when you want to be happy you just cant. Our brains have been rewired unfortunately and I cant think of any book that has made me feel any better." I gave her the only Joel Osteen book I could find and I was not trying to be negative. I just wanted her to understand surviving stroke is a process and it may not be that simple to cheer her mother up especially since shes gone the last 66 years of her life as "a normal-brained person."
So anyway back to why I felt like crying. I hate looking in the mirror. When Im at work I feel the public's eye drop down to my arm which refuses to straighten as Im using all my strength with my right arm to push the cart. Even when I try to use both hand to push I always feel like my hand is going to fall off so I move it. When I wear the wrist support people asks me what happened. When I dont wear the wrist support I feel like a freak show. I hear the announcer saying "look everyone not only cant she walk straight but her arm looks like a broken pole lamp. Come see this circus attraction!" Yesterday this girl that looked kind of "slow" asked me if my arm was okay. I told her yeah. She asked me if it just hurts. By this time I wanted to slap her in the face but I told her I had a stroke. She said awwww Im so sorry. I just stared at my computer screen and waited for her to walk away.
I thought of this song "Caged Bird". My wings are my arms. Im tired of everyone looking at me. I just want to be able to spread my wings. I posted the video with lyrics and lyrics. I know you guys said Im no longer caged bird since I've accomplished so much but anytime I go into public I still feel like this...
Right now I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
With so much joy and rivalry
They din't know how I feel inside
Through my smile I cry
They don't know what they're doin' to me
Keeping me from flyin'
That's why I say that
I know why the caged bird sings
Only joy comes from song
She's so rare and beautiful to others
Why not just set her free
So she can
Fly, fly, fly
Spreadin her wings and her song
Let her
Fly, fly fly
For the whole world to see
She's like caged bird
Fly, fly
Ooh just let her fly
Just let her fly
Just let her fly
Spread the wings
Spread the beauty
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