Fear
"It's a terrible thing to live in fear." That is a line from one of our favorite movies, but it has sure come to hit home since Stroke Day.
In the early years, it was all the time, of course. I just tried to work through it, breathe, cry when I had to. But as things evened out and days became simplier, routines helped; I get pulled in, forget, drop the ball.
We have had many upsets for about six weeks. Almost like someone is punishing me for quitting smoking - LOL. And yes, I know I am more sensitive. There have been so many positives. It was easy to forgive being sent in 20 degree weather to two Road Races on the wrong day - but then the windows to the truck didn't work. Yes, they are up, but still think about all the drive-in windows I can't use. People telling me they are coming to help: parts falling off the WC. Windows to be locked down. My hands are shot. But don't "fit" us in.
This week did it though. Two snow storms due - we are in the big one right now. So I have to plan ahead. Bitter cold weather, so Bruce did not get out. I noticed that the furnace was recycling funny. Called our company and bless them, they had someone in the house (Erma was here with Bruce) within an hour. That is the advantage of being with the same company for 15 years. Well, thermostat was busted, but even worse, crack in the furnace and carbon monoxide. They called me right home from work. Now I have had many hours out of the house, but not so Bruce. Furnace shut down and immediate replacement. I was lucky to have a small electric heater in the basement that kept us comfy for the six hours until the crew and new furnace could get here.
Watched weather report last night. I wanted to go to work for a few hours this morning, but also wanted some treats since we would probably be snowed in until Sunday night earliest. So I had Bruce get me up at 6am and off I went to the grocery store. Light, dry snow. On the way to work, two crazy drivers sent me home and must have been my sign. Because Bruce was on the floor in the bathroom. Did not press his button. He is fine, some lacerations. I did have to call Paramedics to get him up. I couldn't manage holding him up and getting the WC under him. But they did spend a long time with Bruce explaining that he had to push the button. And they even unloaded my car and shut the garage down for me.
But tonight, Bruce comfy and in bed. Medicated with some tylenol for the pain I know he is going to have. We had a great day: paid bills, finished up Christmas cards. I had picked up lots of reading material for Bruce, which he loved. Watched a movie.
Now the fear and panic set in. What could have happened. Bruce and I laughed that dying together in bed was not a bad way to go, but like today - my fault. Letting down the guard. I ignored the morning routine and also did not put him into his AFO. Thought for sure he'd be OK for a few hours. And the furnace was recycling funny over last weekend - but my family was here and I was enjoying that. Did not call for service until Thursday because everything had to be done for Tuesday's snow storm and then Wednesday to recover from that. This is the down side of being organized because one becomes inflexible, unable (or unwilling) to "fit" in the situations that are not on the "list." Being unable to vary from the list.
Right now I want a cigarette and a vodka on the rocks. A hot bath and some comfy pjs. But I have a kitchen to clean up, laundry to be done and a bathroom to clean.
Colleen: having the same kind of time as you and yes, like you, so sorry had to blog this, but hope everyone celebrates and are thankful for the good times. When it rains, it pours. Debbie
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