Lifes Losses
I suppose this will be a "woe " is me blog --- not my intention.. more of a centering........ I miss working, the kind of job where you hear the alarm go off and think - "arghhh - do i have to go to work today?" Then you get up shower, and the world is a little better. You drive to work hear a song you like or laugh at a joke on the radio.. your day improves. You make it to work "clock in" and hear about someones shenanigans - since the last time you worked with them.... and just like that you are into your daily routine... for me it usually meant i was "full bore" into work the second i walked in. We had shift supervisor notes to exchange. and since i worked in corrections ( a jail setting) someone had been "entertaining" in the holding cell. we had courts to notify, meds to familarize our selves with, prints to be done, double check everyones status reports.... blah, blah ,blah.... i hated it and i loved it... I was good at it.. efficient after 20 years you knew the shortcuts and had the "instinct" ( kinda like a nurse with the buzzing of the monitors) you knew which thud or buzz was a good one and which one was not... I MISS THAT.... not the job per say but the regularity of it. and the interaction with others... Dan and I interact of course but it is not the same .Not for him and not for me... everything i write i am writing for him as well. This isent what he "signed p for either"... but he spends a lot of time sleeping, as stroke people do.... i take a nap and it just messes up the night- creating a big dilemma....
Everything feels so "empty" - taking care of Dan is the most honorable thing one can do, and of course i am not saying i don't want to do it anymore ( i dont think that would go well for any of us) . But i want a little more out of life... we have stabilized a bit around here. and the desire to work at least have a "goal" ( work is who i am / was) it was my identity. now what? dan appreciates me , the kids appreciate me, i have all that but... it is all "in house"... I want to laugh at the kinds of things you laugh at when you are on break at a job, complain about my job (LOL) - (big oxymoron there) - be part of other people lives. Problem ??? YES and NO -- i could get a job no problem ( we have plenty here) - BUT i could maybe be 60 % reliable. Who wants that in a employee ? and i have always been a person who did what i said, when i said... now i am this "flake" -- sting facebooked a great article on caregivers and the flakiness we have ( you would have to read the whole article ) since we caregivers are the furthest thing from being flakes----- I could go exersize and might - but again with no checks and balances like a job has i would probably just put it off.... Dan was always the-- "no supervision/ self starter"-- i thrived differently than him.... he enjoyed working alone and "challenging" himself - i am challenged by others....
My old job in a jail is not a safe enviorment to be working in, i mean if something happens to me - then what ? and statistically that is a real possibility, so it is no really a option.. But that is where my primary training and expertise lie- in law enforcement . and i am not a secretarial type of gal...(LOL)
So what to do? what to do? you know what is good ? the fact i still have these thoughts... aspirations of working... maybe Mc donalds will hire me??? i could work at anursing home - cna work or passing meds ( i am certified thanks to the jail) but my unreliability would be devastating to other shifts...and patients ...... and even if i got beyond the unreliability issues, if i spend the whole day caring for others how compassionate will i be to Dan -- who is the top priority ?? I have thought about advocacy type positions , but again the flakiness of my life could devastate someone else's .. many times you only get "One Crack " at helping someone..... govt. deadlines and all...
Then like Sue i got the whole - "who am i "--thing going on ?? I am not anyones daughter, I am more a caregiver than wife ( sadly) but dan requires constant correction ) i mean i have actually said - "don't eat that!" because he has picked something of the floor or it smells good..... and then he is always literally rude --- luckily the wheel chair gives him allowances ------ and changing attends is not exactley the intimacy either of us wants....... but I am the one who makes him the most comfortable with it ---- he is so embarrassed by it.. I am barley qualifing as a mother... I pass for the older kids because at least they were technical ( but not by much) adults when the stroke happened.... But i am failing miserably with Beth-- she is a very good, nice girl ... but i cant not support here emotionally and i just lack the ability to go through the teenage stuff.... and i have never told you all this but she ended up quiting school as a junior - she had nothing in common with others at school , and felt bullied and put down... she has good ethics and if a joke of a inappropriate nature is not funny she doesent laugh.. so leaving was the solution.... Relax people she got her GED basically instantly - she was a 4.0 student and blew through the tests... and will go on to college - still i think we could have pulled it off ( staying in school) if i could have been there, just a little more.... stretched to thin.............and then yes i do believe i am a good grandmother - right now--- little kids are easy.. but as weston ages and needs guidance will i be there ? some of you might think - hey thats the parents job ( and it is) but my family is and always has been a "pack" my mom helped me tremendously raising my kids. And that is who i want to be, and will do my best.....again stretched to thin to be effective at anything... ( except dan) if i drop the ball with him - we all pay dearly... so if dan says --- HEY - someone better come running ... am i spoiling him ? I dont know --- ying and yang.... if he feels no one cares he might "give up again" and i do not ever, ever want to go through the depression issues we had for the last few years.... the last 6 months have been livable at least in terms of depression... but if i try to reach out and grab a little something for me - what is the cost ???? nancyl
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