Tonight I Feel Like a Creep!!!!
Tonight I feel like a rotten creep!!!!!!!!
We really had a bad day today. Things where really going good and I am still very hopeful that my husband will improve some day. I have not given up hope.
When we where eating lunch today the OT showed up to work with Chris. Chris has been having alot of trouble eating. He has trouble getting his arm up to his mouth and when he does either the fork or spoon or whatever he may have in his hand goes off to the left cheek, he can't always seem to hit his mouth. The OT did not give me positive feed back after she had watched Chris eat. This really lowered my hope. Then she started telling Chris that if she saw no improvement with him that she couldn't lie to the insurance company to get him more sessions with her. I still don't understand how they can make the decision that things are not going to work after 2 visits.
Chris got angry over her comments. At dinner this evening I really had a tough time with him. He was crying and really seemed like he didn't even want to try. I lost control over the situation and raised my voice at him which only made the situation worse. Finally I ended up helping him eat his supper which at this time I had to reheat for him, since he was crying for a long period of time and his supper got cold.
I'm having a really tough time believing that my husband will never get any better than what he is now. I have had several doctors, therapists and nurses tell me that he probably will not get any better, his strokes where too severe.
So I told Chris, once he finally calmed down and I got my crap together that he cannot give up - he has to keep trying no matter how long it takes. I really need to get my crap together - he has only been home 2 weeks - WHAT DID I EXPECT TO HAPPEN IN 2 WEEKS??????????? I really don't want to hear anything from anyone that is not positive.
So I apologized to my husband after I got him into bed - told him I Loved Him - and hoped he would have a good night - and tommorrow will be different. I told him that we need to work together and no more raising our voices at one another. I know that I am extremely tired and that this did not help the situation any. Tuesday - an aide from the nursing agency is finally coming and hopefully with her help I can get my crap back together and get some rest and be the type of person I need to be with my husband - not someone who gets angry and frustrated at him because right now he really can't help himself very much at all.
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