still a problem for us -- seizures
Dan had a "shutdown" day yesterday.. the kind i dread - he wont talk, eat, drink, ignored me the whole day . Very effective at letting me know he wanted nothing and no body... and this morning we got a 0630 seizure.. full fledged grandmal-- lasted what seemed forever. I almost called 911 as it just wouldnt end. the best way to describe the last half ot the seizure was like a baby - "suttering" after crying for a long time.. Another "new" thing i hadnt seen for such a extended time . usually it would happen - the suttering maybe 30 seconds this just went on and on... we survived it... but i am a little worried. he still isent with me.. he responds by just seeming angry ( i guess who wouldnt be)-- and then it makes me think about katrina and her blogs of the issues she has. and i wonder if maybe dan is stuck in something right now.. he just seems locked in. The nurse will be here soon to check on dan and we will talk, but seizures are so mysterious - i am not expecting a magic wand from her... but the objective medical opinion is soo nice to get. especially at times like this.-- well she arrived and despite my efforts dan still wont talk to me, but would communicate with her... I'll take it, but it hurts (my feelings ) - i mean we went to bed on saturday night - no issues - he had went to church, out for supper, played his cards and went to bed... and woke up a crab... i know better than to ask why - there are no answers, how well i have learned that.
another little piece of my world lest i forget and think i am living on easy street ( yes that mistake could be made lol) not....
we do things sometimes that make people think that maybe my life isent to bad... but it is a extreme effort - mentally and physically for me and anyone with me.... when i was in AZ with sarah, april took dan to the casino while weston and i visited with sarah. i was reminding her of the pill stash in the bag.. the valium if he gets to "excited" - that means a crash will follow.. the extra clothes and wipes washcloths and small towel incase of a BM accident , the cofax we use to tie dans leg so it doesent constantly slip, the sani wipes in case of dans compulsive cleaning kicks in.... basically a tutorial on caring for her dad - who she see's on a daily basis , but isent normally in charge of the hands on care...it all went pretty good in AZ .. and with all this cold and no sun this certainley contributes to the "mood"....
Well hopefully, dans mood improves and we can get on with - i don't know - something to do, besides - nancy fretting on the couch.... and yes that is me making the choice to allow his behavior to "get to me" i am very co dependent -- good thing Dan wasent a alcoholic... i never used to be like this - i was a pretty strong person in terms of your issues are yours and mine are mine in a relationship, now with level of care dan needs that line is so blurred - i cant even see it......
And somewhere is a little boy named weston who i try hard to model - normal- but with uuumpa in bed so much "not feeling good" what is normal.... ???
I guess it ( normal) is what we make of it...
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