The Worst Part About Needing Help...
It's been another great day with huge strides I have made and I am sitting here in tears. Why, you may ask. I have good and caring friends, and I'm very grateful that they care enough to WANT to help me. I feel so sad if I hurt their feelings, and I've gotten better at restraint but today I came about 2 seconds from telling one of them off in terms that wouldn't be misunderstood.
Yesterday was an amazing day. A friend took me grocery shopping. I need help to go down the huge cement steps in front of my house. But too much help actually can make me unsafe and cause me to fall. Yesterday my friend did just what I asked for and I went down the steps, got into her car, went to the store. At the store all of the scooters were being used so I walked and pushed a manual cart and did every bit of my shopping, came home and got up the steps until the very top one--with no hand rail! That is more than I have done in 6 months. My friend was nervous but trusted me to know what help I needed and pushed her worry aside and gave that to me.
I forgot something I needed at the store so the same friend took me to the store again. But another friend came over to help, too. A very sweet lady and someone I would never want to hurt. So when she started crowding me and gently pulling me toward the bottom of the step, I asked her to let go, give me some room, and let me go at my own pace. I would be slow but I would get there. I swear she straight out told me "No. I do this with the people I caregive and I refuse to let you fall! I'm NOT moving!" I said it while laughing but apparently the look on my face said I wasn't and I said..."Wanna bet you're not moving?" She let go and moved but what was a triumph now feels so bad.
I just wish people wouldn't treat me like I'm incapable of knowing what I need and that if I need a little help it doesn't mean I'm helpless and if I say no, it doesn't mean "make me". I didn't at all loose my temper but I came sadly close. In the end today was another victory. But it just doesn't feel as good.
12 Comments
Recommended Comments