I know I blog a lot -- but it is seriously a coping "thing"
I guess writing gets the frustrations out- or something… that and as i have always said -- it is like leaving a road map for another to know they are not alone… the problem we have - I think we are alone -Dan and the Depression is just so bad… I even had a gal come and do Reiki on him… she said he "pulled a lot of energy out of her" -- that I believe… even when i just sleep next to him right now i do not feel the least bit refreshed when waking-- just BLAAHHHH…. I still do things don't get me wrong. But more out of obligation than actual desire… I am starting to think about not going to AZ for my friends pageant… Unless Dan gets out of this current funk he is in… I want to go for Eliza - she is seriously in need of a mama bear… her own mom can't go as elizas dad has early and progressive alzheimers and is slipping pretty fast… and the family fears - all the alzheimers senerios playing out down there.. and her mom used to weigh like 200 lbs. now is down to maybe a 100 lbs… she is so stressed…. and I worked with her Dan ( he was a PD officer while I worked Corrections) he was always so level headed… he goes in and out -- and I can tell Elizas mom is not telling all…. ( with the upcoming pageant of course not) -- So I feel the very real obligation to go be with this young gal…. but Dan is a true variable -- and at the very least has to be well nourished as of the day i leave.. every time - he does the food strike ( he is on day 3+) I have to think what am i gonna allow - what is ethical - what do we as a family want , cause believe me it changes all the time… My tickets -- plane and car and motel are all non refundable - so if i don't go it is a total loss.. But if i go and something happens to Dan can I live with that… ??? Can I live with not supporting a great friend who has always been there for me? As I have written before uncharted territory for me- that is why i am documenting it… my thoughts and feelings and fears and hopes ( as if i dare have any)…. I tried taking Dan with to that concert I wanted so badly to see and nite one left early… nite two left even earlier, then the threat of not wanting to go back to ND -- don't what that was all about - but we don't really have a choice --- i have work and the nurses are here…. anyhow sure makes me rethink taking him anywhere --- the "what if" …. normally he is happy to be going home… and I run on such a empty tank I feel I am gonna have a heart attack or something …. so on one hand i need this little vacation for me….. on the other my vacation could be very detrimental to dan… and then their is the whole is it possible Dan is just manipulating all this.. ?? Hell - I have no idea… none… what is right what is wrong… ?? as a parent ( more or less single parent) I should look to take better care of me… for the children, for dan - he wants all of me body and soul-- but still has problems… so I don't know that I am even a true factor… for 2 years I took care of only him and still we had issues.. now that i work it is a ting and yang for me--- on one hand i am so tired.. on the other i am a person again…. but I pay 1.50 to be that person since the caretaker earns more than me… is it worth it? some days yes-- some days no.. and now I feel so obligated to my boss… I am actually pretty good at this , and getting another me is impossible ( big head here) -- but I am figuring out the continuum of the criminal aspect of the cases…and that is what he needs the most help with… the civil cases i have little interest in.. although just enough to understand….. and then there is Weston and the other MN grand kids -- I just don't have anything left for them… so if i were to quit my job would that give me more time with them? Probably not since Dan will just require more time… If I am in the house I am at his beck and call… thus the reason to physically leave the area where i can possible get a real sleep… I haven't had that since the time i went with my sis to phoenix … I slept so good - cause there was nothing i could do but sleep at that point in time… I long for that restful sleep…… Guess I can see why michael Jackson was chasing the sleep concept when he died…. well I have rambled enough chasing my tail finding no answers-- thanks for reading/listening…. It feels good to know it takes miles and miles but their are people who "get it and have no judgement"--- cause man sometimes I feel like I have no idea about even does 2+2= 4 ?? or does it ??
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