Life update
I sit here just breathless… I have that same dread feeling , reserved for those special tragedies in life.. the death of some one we love, the stroke, kids needing surgery - those types of things… The PTSD I think of life..
Dan has put me through and himself through the wringer in the past few weeks… He apparently had a UTI ( haven't seen one in so long i missed it -we all did) he just kept getting worse and worse and i thought he was having a psychotic break - he had punched the care worker ( not to hard or she would be gone) he has spent so much time crying, me crying. him wanting to just die.. hit me with his urinal, more crying, been to his pcp.. emailed his nuero.. and then he ended up comatose.. so a seizure might even been involved.. we thought for a bit he had another stroke … thank goodness not… although that " feeling" of OMG is still with me… the empty pit … and heart palpitations and I feel like I just want to run away from home… I want to run like a stark raving lunatic,, and scream and cry and shake my hand at God… none of that will fix anything.. and I still have faith , but am so sick of this … The nuero and PCP are looking for a brain injury place to accept him for a observation period and see if some changing on his meds should be done…
I have the event coming up with Eliza and have been ordered by everyone to GO…. so I have signed over POA to my girlfriend and I will just GO… so I will… I am hanging on to life by a thread myself, Please don't take this as suicidal… but I am starting to agree with Dan , maybe death is better… cause this is not much of a life….and I feel I am just holding the family back from having any joy in theirs, it is always, where is mom, is mom coming ?? Mom can I talk to you, ( and secretly I just hate hearing one more problem from anyone -kids_) but what kind of mom would say that?? A bad one.. And to have these thoughts - like," oh please kid don't talk to me, i don't want to hear it" - then I have to deal with it… Don't ask me to watch Weston ( grandson) - I just don't have the ability ….. I hate myself for all of these thoughts…April and Wade took me out last night along with his mom and dad and aunt and uncle… I just kept checking on dan even though beth was with him.. and i knew he was fine.. Like I keep saying I am waiting for the other shoe to drop but it seems a octopus is wearing the shoes… and I wish one of these time the shoe would hit me hard enough to just knock me OUT…. I am gonna go do this thing in AZ - I will have a good time, but like returning to a job you have grown to hate … I will start to wish I didn't ever have to go home..
Maybe if we can get some stability back - we had a good run for a long time, then i decided to go back to work and i knew it wasn't gonna be easy, but i certainly did set off a chain of events… and the speech guy having to leave was really, really bad timing…
Luckily I keep these thoughts in my head where they belong…and yes folks my hemoglobin is fine, and i am taking my antidepressants but .. I am FULL… so full of all this that i just feel i am gonna explode…… so I take deep breathes and I write my thoughts in a effort to keep "LIFE" at bay… nancyl
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