trying hard to accept...
the serenity prayer is appropriate at this juncture of my life. It is hard to accept this is as good as it gets…. and from here on will are lucky just to have a even keel day. I guess on some level I have been thinking something would change. Nothing has or does, or will. The only person who can change is me - I am the only person I have any control over. Giving up on lost dreams is a hard pill to swallow… Hopefully I can find new dreams, - dreams made of simple survival… Choking on the "mundane" is hard, I always settled for the lesser of everything because I had time, later in my life to do those things. Now I am getting older, but not old yet… I had kids way to young, never faltered in my care for the family. I would go literally years not going out as "grown ups" instead choosing everything as family friendly ( mostly video and TV at home).Now I want to do things see things and just be alive…. However that feels wrong to. Dan isn't able to be by my side unless I put forth extraordinary effort to make that happen, ( and then much of the time he isn't overly thrilled, but still i try)…. and I do and I have- and I will continue to as much as possible… But I am working hard on adjusting to my new found thoughts---- I know they are not "new" . But with grief comes so many other levels of thinking. One can "know something, but not really know something"-- So i will continue to work on the acceptance part of this life. I am sure Dan has so many of these same thoughts, but no way to talk about them or express them… As a married couple we did often have the same mode of thinking, but it seems as of late - I haven't been as able to tap into that old marital thinking… I wish I could , instead we have more of the mother child thing going on as opposed to spousal. And I doubt I can do much to change that…. Oddly I had my kids young, thinking I wouldn't have so much responsibility as a middle ager…. boy did i call that one wrong….
now - just breathe into the bag - Nancy- don't hyperventilate yourself…..lol
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