And I always say I'm being punished for not having kids, now I'm being forced to find out what I missed (without the happy parts).  But that's part of acceptance, rearranging things in your mind so they make more sense to you and alleviate the grief as much as possible.  It's that or go nuts;  you're doing fine!

Nancy :

reading your blog made me realize that's how I think, there are so many things I like to do & will make me more happy if hubby takes part in it or initiate it, but he is always old guy in his young body, never interested in doing any thing fun like going for movie going out on romantic dates or anything that will show his love for me, I feel I needed to get this stupid stroke to see his love for me & realize this big lesson in life, you have to do what makes you happy & not wait on other person to  make you happy.  Just do what makes you happy. I have realized anything you do in life which makes you feel happy & has good intention behind will turn out to be good for our family

Asha

It's really good you had the kids young... think how awful it would be to try to still be raising them AND caregiving.  

I consider myself so fortunate to have never really been a social person and only had a job here and there, not a career.   Because of being that type personality, I don't long for a life I used to have.   I mean, I was always into just being Suzy Homemaker and introvert, and waiting on hubby hand & foot... so in many ways.... it's still the same!   I'm just helping him with things now that I never dreamed of.   I know it is so much harder for those who had a different life with lots of work friends, or at least social activities, and now they feel closed in, and unable to get out there.   Praying for you Nancy... although I don't dream of having a job or going out with friends, I do miss doing things TOGETHER, as a couple.   Sure, we do a little, but it's not like before when we were foot loose and fancy free.

Nancy, if you read (past tense) my blog right through this is often my theme too.  I resented the fact that the golden days of retirement were lost to us.  I was 43 when Ray first stroked in 1990 and we lost that vibrant middle age as Ray was tired all the time, he went to work but came home and home was his napping place.  We lost dancing as he could no longer do the turns, family time  because of the fatigue so I worked, took the kids out, attended the meetings, sorted out what was to happen with our life.  Ray was uninterested BUT we did manage to do some travelling as I insisted that was the minimum he had to do..

Then in 1999 he had the major strokes and I gave up EVERYTHING.  I did get some of it back when I put him into respite twice a year from 2007 but it was constant little adjustments to keep the peace and keep life on an even keel. And I mourned each loss as you are doing now. It is what it is my friend (((Hugs))).

For the most part Sue -- you and I are the closest in terms of "fit" for our thought process and unfortunate results… When you said my Dan -- ( about a year ago ) was more stubborn than your Ray was it scared the bejeebers out of me… For where ever i went you had been…. and then the coma thing hit… but still for the most part you are the one I keep an "eye" on knowing my future and yours are "star-crossed" for lack of a better term, we may never meet but our destinies seem very similar……Ironically I was also 43 when Dan stroked…. 

I look at this again and realize -- each of us different perspectives, different lives… as usual no one right no one wrong….. no black and white in stroke world just TONS of gray…..

Nancy we are all the same, caregivers struggling to make sense of the world we find ourselves in and keeping ourselves and our loved ones safe. Sometimes I wish I could have a "do over" on some of parts of my life but then realise that I could have landed in a worse state through some other twist of fate.  I love the people on here and the people in the local Stroke recovery group and knowing all of you came out of Ray having the strokes, so for all the loss we experience there is also some gain.

Nancy, I am sorry for all you have endured with Dan.  Let me just say, you are not alone as you may know.  I lost my first husband to a brain tumor at age 43.  I was 37.  My mother stroked and then had a heart attack a year and a half later at age 74, and passed away soon after that.  When my first husband passed, I did not have the financial resources to raise a 15 year old daughter and 12 year old son.  I had to go back to work and it was very difficult in more ways than I can mention here. Life is hard.  No question about it, and some have more hardships than others.  I know you are strong and can "hang on".  You can be thankful for the family support and friends, etc. you have.  

Best to you and Dan,

Julie

Nancy: just getting into acceptance myself. I have age and distance that you do not, yet. And yes, it is a very long and difficult road we travel.

Honey, you raised four beautiful children and managed a farm. Dan has had the best of everything that was offered. And yes, you are still open to anything new.

You can't make him want life - I found that out with Bruce. There will be things that "grab" him and at least, for Bruce, things I never even considered.

You just trudge on, day to day and try to find some laughter and joy, because that is what keeps us going. Love, Debbie

Had my doc appt… no miracles -- just a atta boy… and a script.. for a different med to manage the panic attacks … wasn't expecting anything else … but hey, this is a diary for the "next person" who wears these darn shoes……darn these shoe are tight………………… nancyl

Nancy,

  I hear your sighs  Yes, we all have those same longings.  I have those same thoughts myself.  BUt, I have learned that you can never foresee the future.  I never in my wildest dreams ..could ever have imagined my life now as a caretaker.  But, it is what I need to do.  My life is full.  too full. caring  for William and hiring a caregiver and working and taking care of our three dogs.  But, I have learned to roll with the punches.  What every life dishes out.  I am ready to tackle.  I have learned to enjoy the little things.  I love to love at the antics of the dogs.  They just enjoy little things.  I enjoy our workouts in the pool.   Luckily Wm has continued on this part of our recovery.  I have no idea how far he he will get.

  I pray for you.    RUth   and I sigh with you.