wish i could turn off my brain sometimes
I miss the days when I could just think whatever, say whatever, and do whatever without worrying about whats going to happen. I was afraid to blog about my good day because the day was not over yet. I texted my cousin good news and began having anxiety as I was texting her because I dont know I guess I felt like something bad was going to happen. I hardly get any comments to my blog anymore so I dont know how up to date you all are on my condition.
I went to church Saturday morning and it was so good. I felt so much peace and freedom but after I got home the depression came back and I had 2 non epileptic seizures (1 as I was talking on the phone and 1 right before I fell asleep.) I was so depressed Sunday I lay in bed all day wishing I was dead. Finally I called my dad that evening and decided to stay the night at his house. I just did not want to be alone.
Surprisingly staying at his house went well. No panic attacks, no seizures. Even though I had trouble sleeping through the night, I did not have any nightmares or attacks in my sleep. Yesterday went well also. I had nightmares and attacks in my sleep this morning and 2 anxiety attacks today but good news is I drove myself to the doctor and back safely. I did not want to drive but my dad had to work.
I never thought I would miss the days when not being able to use my left hand was my biggest worry. I am so ready to get treatment started, medication, psychotherapy, whatever for these psychogenic seizures and whatever else is going on. Im so tired of thinking about everything! What did I do differently that one day I didn't have an attack? I want to stay up later than 9 but what am I going to do and what if I have an attack then am afraid to fall asleep period? I want to talk on the phone but I dont want to talk about this. If I watch this show at 7, what am I going to do at 8 to keep me busy til 9? Its just so nerve wrecking all day! But its like I have to think of things and patterns to try to find triggers I guess.
Then there's the whole meditation/positive thinking bit. I've been trying to lay down and take a nap everyday this week so far. If I don't I end up laying here trying to meditate and have positive thoughts so I wont be afraid to fall asleep but its like Im telling myself Im doing this so I won't have an attack which doesn't help since Im still thinking about the attack. Even writing this blog. It should help. Blogging should relax me and give me peace but instead I feel like Im just reminding myself of all the crap I worry about. Finding out I have been having seizures was such a relief at first since I got a name for it but now its just kind of discouraging because at least with anxiety I can kind of control those. Seizures are the ones that had been popping out of the blue and really freaking me out. Okay Im tired of typing.
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