50 years on
50 years on, 50 years on, what can we show for our 50 years gone? I went to my 50 years anniversary of my high school graduation in 1964. Thank you to the chat girls who encouraged me to go. As usual I was disappointed in who was not there but glad to see who was. Met up with two out of five of my debating team buddies. Guy, now a retired accountant can still talk under water with a mouthful of marbles and I could hear laughter wherever he was. Margaret is still working in an education field and as per other reunions took my name, address and phone number and promised to call. Chrissie I would have really liked to see as the person I got on with best but she was not there. She and I were also co-editors of the school magazine in our last year.
Sadly one of the girls I often sat with for lunch in our senior years had that dazed look that dementia gives and had come with someone else who obviously was keeping an eye on her. There was an honour roll for those we have lost to cancer, heart disease etc. But there was also much rejoicing that we had all come this far. Some did know that Ray had died and expressed that kind of condolence we do casually: "Sorry, so what are you doing with yourself?" I gave various answers according to who asked. I did not scream: "I miss him so much." as I really wanted to.
I was quite amused about the men who cruised by and either frowned and went on, held out a hand to shake or kissed me on the cheek. Obviously some didn't remember me or recognize me but then as they are now without hair and wearing glasses no wonder I didn't recognise them! I must have a look that says "I care" as I sat next to a man who had lost his wife to leukemia four months ago, I didn't know him well but expressed the usual sentiments. It saved me talking about my own loss I guess as he talked for about an hour straight through dinner. There was no singing and no dancing this year so I was home well before midnight. Thought I wouldn't sleep as of course there was no-one to talk things over with but must have slept like a brick as I woke to bright daylight.
Sunday was busy so I left home at 9am and arrived home at 2pm, My daughter came in about twenty minutes later. I had Shirley and grandson Christopher here overnight, she thought she would be able to stay two nights and I was so pleased, she is rarely here and time with her is so precious. Then she got a message to say she has to do a funeral on Wednesday so would will need to go home today to prepare for it (she is a minister as a Captain in the Salvation Army). Of course I put on a smile and said:no problems, I understand. Now I feel sad that she was not able to stay the extra night. Putting on my brave face though and trying to feel it is all for the best etc.
Before they went today we got a universal remote to replace the one the little boys lost earlier this year. I can channel surf again Debbie! Christopher played with My Super Mario Cart on the Wii as he usually does. He had broken his right wrist falling off his top bunk in the middle of the night so his father has dismantled it and he is to have a single bed and trundle for his buddy to sleep on when he stays over. Christopher is over 6 foot tall so he has to be careful with what he does for a while. I would have loved to have had him stay for the week but he has doctors to see. I asked Shirley if it was possible for him to come and stay here for a week next holidays but she didn't say anything.
What is life all about I wonder? Is it sufficient to just live one day at a time? What about all the lost and wasted years? What about the things we had planned to do and will never do? I pondered some of those things sitting in the sun this afternoon. Where am I now in comparison to where I wanted to be? I didn't come up with any answers, I don't suppose it is easy to formulate life changes and suspect I have to wait and see what life brings. I am afraid to contemplate the big moves still. Shirley asked me today if I had any future plans and I said no but I would like my life to move in wider circles. She asked me if I should move away from the stroke related world, from Ray's world, but I said I was still not at ease with doing that yet. I have just been asked again to come to the WAGS Women's Weekend in November. Should I go? I want to be with those wonderful women again but....
And so I am left with the usual doubts. BUT tomorrow I am going out with a girlfriend and we will go for a walk on the beach and have lunch out. I arranged it myself, I am getting better at that, taking the initiative.I can manage to do things like that now. I could become a lady of some leisure,but I like to be useful being community minded from way back. So I will take some leisure fitted in as usual around the routine activities. I think I can handle that for a while longer yet.
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