Friends or Predators?
Being a widow is different from being a wife, loneliness is a factor, not having someone to consult, doing all the things you have to do alone, planning for one, eating alone...you get the picture. But there is also a prejudice out there about widows. Someone recently called me a "merry widow"...hmmm, not sure about that. I do seem to be happier these days and probably just as well, it stops my friends asking the "are you over it yet" question all the time. Yes, I am over the initial shock, I do function like a human being. But there will always be the Sue'n'Ray thing, 44 years doesn't just vanish overnight, or even two years down the track.
Last night I went out to one of my regular once a month dinners. But last night I came in with someone else. I got a lift to the dinner with one of the members as I had left one of my car doors slightly open and run down the battery so it would not start. No time to call the mechanic to come out and give me a jump start, my next door neighbour is away so no help there, so I phoned a friend. As I came in with "J" all eyes swiveled towards us, several people frowned and no-one came forward to greet me. Why? Because I was a widow travelling with a guy who already has a known girlfriend. And that was not okay? Really???
The week has been busy, Shirley and Christopher overnight on Sunday night so farewelled them mid-morning and started to put the house to rights. Then John from next door came over and we did some more work on the back garden, it is bare up there now, no more herringbone fern. It will look good when I get finished with it I know. Moving some of the bromiliads up the back and some along the fence, I will take a photo of them when they bloom, I love their odd flowers and their vibrant colours. It has been nice to have someone to work alongside, that is another thing I have missed, the companionship involved in working with someone. Yes, John has a girlfriend too but I am not a threat to her.
Tuesday was a wonderful Spring day and a woman friend and I (she is the one who lost her 47 year old son recently) had decided we would have a day out so we went to one of the local Surf Clubs with a beachside cafe and had morning tea, went for a long walk on the beach, went to my favourite Club and had lunch, then lingered over coffee in the lounge just looking at the view and relaxing. She said it was one of the nicest days out she has had recently and I agreed. I forget sometimes that I have these precious friends I can do some sharing with.
Some of the new things in my life, like being a "does coffee" friend to a few of the other widows from church, being on Skype, having some flexibility so if a friend asks "are you busy today?" with a few exceptions I can clear my calendar and say "yes" and making the harder decisions without losing too much sleep are part of my recovery now. As you know I feel I can move forward but not yet move on...it is a personal decision and sometimes defies logic but when it happens to you you will understand. Some people take a year to get over losing a spouse, some people take a lifetime. That is the way it is.
Last night on Skype I connected with one of the oldtimers from this site. I started life as a chat host doing general chat so got to know a lot of survivors as well as caregivers. This lady is a survivor. We have kept in touch since then and I recently learned that her husband, who was also her caregiver, had died. Yesterday we finally caught up on Skype. Of course the first thing we discussed was the time difference, the weather, the funny accents we both have, mine Aussie and hers American and then got down to the common area, we are both widows now. She cried and apologised, I cried a little too. It was a good call and a comfort to both of us. I hope we manage to catch up on a regular basis, somewhat difficult given the time gap but where there is a will there is a way.
On chat each week I think G-d that I am still able to talk to the amazing women and men on this site who give so much love and attention, so much work and effort to keep their partner or parent in the home they love or who they support in a facility. Caregiving is not an easy job, not something anybody can do, not a highly paid or highly regarded job, but it is a job we do out of love. I had 12 years of hands on care with Ray and then a year where I commuted to his nursing home, I had two years of looking after Mum in my own home and 11 years of supervising Mum in her Dementia Lodge and then nursing home. Visiting in the nursing home is not as hard a job as caring for someone in your own home but it is an essential task. Lonely people die sooner and their care is not as good, as we all know from our experience with hospitals and rehab units. People need companions on the journey and cheerleaders to keep them going..
I have since visited numerous people in nursing homes on behalf of the church. It is what I learned to do through my journey with Mum and Ray and what I continue to do. Life gives us certain lessons to learn and once we have learned them we are free to put them into practice. Sometimes I wonder what life holds for me now. On my wiser days I know that life in the days to come will reflect what I have learned up till now. And that has to be okay.
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