I've been called a wheelchair person
I was in a store waiting to pick up at the pharmacy and a woman went passed me with her cart and said to her companion that she didn't want to run into the wheelchair person. That was me sitting there holding my goods. I was shocked to hear that because I forget that the world sees the wheelchair before they see me, if they ever see me. So many people look to the person pushing me to answer for me or just to speak. Some people don't look down at me in the wheelchair. In visible. Then when I am not I am the wheelchair person. I hate that name. Who calls someone that?? I was silent but inside I was screaming at her and then later I said to myself I wish I had said something to her like I am not a wheelchair person I am a woman just simply a woman who just needs this chair because I can't walk very good. I am not married to this chair. I hate this chair but most days I am grateful I have it to get around in it. I am not getting the motor one but I am getting a walker for outside I hope. My Pt finally said I could get it after I have been using one in therapy. I can't get too far because I tire out so easily but it feels wonderful to walk around even if it is with a walker. Anyhow the nifty red one looks better than the two wheel they gave me in the hospital. it saves me though because when the pain gets so bad then the vertigo gets going and I need to rely on it. i am so embarrassed so it is bittersweet to be out in public in my little area and run into people. I am feeling weird too kinda jealous that they go on in their real lives in real pretty shoes, I agonize for a minute over the shoes and that they are just where they were successful and I am here in noman'sland. Am I really seeing this and smiling and answering that I am doing fine? OMG did I say fine again? Or then there is the just awkward looking that says yes this is me so don't pretend you don't recognize me and I won't speak so we don't have to pretend something. I am out in a drugged state so it is all fine. Somewhere in here I am suffering so badly and no one hears my screaming because I just readjust my scarf and smile and then I go show off by standing up and pushing this wheelchair with my sloppy shuffle but it feels too good to stand up tall again. Life is much better standing tall I have decided. I want my new red walker they say I probably won't get the insurance to pay for but I am going to see if I can get one anyway. I am thrilled that I am here at the new stage of talking about how to walk better and properly and for longer distances. I thought I would never get here and now here I am. I sometimes wobble in on someone's arm but I usually need some real support.
The things people say that hurt me and I don't think they even think twice about it, And then the stares and sometimes the smiles. I especially appreciate it when someone smiles my way as I am walking. I hate that attention but that feels like a cheering section. Then there are those that wave. I love that and I swear I want to go give that person a hug.
It is lonely down here in the wheelchair where people don't look and I feel invisible and forgotten. I don't whine too much now that life has passed me by and I sit here like this because now I am feeling that I really did cheat death and I may not even have been given this time at all. That is hitting me hard now and part of it is fear now of another stroke as time goes by.Or maybe I am just grateful that i have this time and i look for the gold buried in this time like I get to menu plan for real now and we do cook together when there is time and there is more time now and I am here just so glad to be here looking at old pictures and not forgetting my life long time ago. Then i clean up and go do homework. My tie to the present.
Ok so now I hope to be WALKER WOMAN soon (sigh).
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