LOST
I am so totally lost - dazed, confused, but mostly fried…. or mentally ill…. I have no idea and neither do the docs… so yes for sure my adrenal glands are in over drive… but docs disagree on what if anything to do… my kidneys have a a cyst ( not to uncommon) but requires more evaluation…. I feel as if I can't breathe, but i can…. My heart feels like it s breaking all the time… My memory is shot …… BURNT - is probably the right word… I think of a drug addict and the way they act, and that is how i act… I speak with slurred, slow speech …. I get fixated on smaller issues and have a difficult time focusing on anything… Everything feels wrong to me, like I am in a forgien land and have no idea how I got here… I miss my family - who is here, I miss my house - which i am living in……. I cry now constantly in stark opposite of the past almost 4 years- i cried very few tears…. I am in mourning for my mom, my life , my husband…. but it is so much deeper than that… Dan has been placed on a nursing home list … we are both OK with it ( has to be at this juncture) but no openings as of yet…. I can't wait and yet I can… I can not seem to make any decisions… I feel so very lost -in my ind in my heart and in my soul…. the things of the past I thought I knew- I am learning--- i knew nothing.
Somehow I will need to find a job that offers me some financial advantages, my income has mostly be reliant on care taking for Dan… But learning that NOW - the best care or Dan is to be had at a Home, and not from me is a hard pill to swallow… Although I am in full agreement with it.. I understand and I know it to be true… Maybe not forever but certainley while I am ill my self….. The place he goes he has been before, the home is a good one… but the reality that I failed is hard…. and yes I know people I am judging myself cruelly. I do not feel that way of anyone else… Why do i reserve that for others?? The kindness the understanding is for others, for myself I seem unable to get beyond….. I can barley see - everything is so dim…. My B/P is like 92/68 at any given time and while i have always had low blood pressure it is like my heart is just not strong enough to beat - nor does it want to… my pulse is around mid 60's and the docs are "elated" -- they don't seem to understand it is just gonna quit one day…. I feel dizzy but not in a nauseated way, in a drunk way.. If i could be content with this perpetual feeling of "drunk" then this wouldn't be a bad thing. But I do not like being slow and dumb and forgetful. If anyone has any idea what is wrong with me please - please let me know...
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