Lots and lots of thinking...
AAAHHHHHGGGHHHHAAA - ( sigh) the sound of my heartbeat goes on, but make no doubt my hear tis broken---- I am trying so hard to cope with all of this… But for some reason I just can't do it… I went to talk to the priest ( dans ) - i am not catholic- but for all intents and purposes i guess i am 30 years of going to church should qualify me for something… I THINK - and bear with me I am a work in progress…. that I am gonna go ahead and place Dan in the nursing home… He now hold that as a trump card like a trophy ,, He gets mad and attempts to get up and say - home then…. And I am just way to "broken" to play the game anymore… Make no misunderstanding I am well aware this is no game - But it appears to be a sick game to dan…. I cry - and he just looks at me with contempt or humor of some sort… Sometimes he feels bad, other tine pure contempt … I never know is gonna be the guy who wakes up… But I am not strong enough to carry -on…. I am broken… I am disorientated by life. I miss my mom, I miss my family ( the way it was) , I miss my husband - the way he was, I miss my self -- the way I was…. I would give anything to reset the clock to 2011 ( beginning of the year) and make sure the docs read and read and read and read again the scan clear showing Dans stroke -- and would not let them release him- I would not trust them to help us . … I would have made them see - what was there - and have it tread not send him home with a headache diagnosis….. NONONONONONO……….. That night wrecked my world - wrecked Dans world -wrecked my families world, Killed my mom, took away my grandchildren in terms of who is this crazy guy called grandpa, the one that will whack us with a cane if he gets a mind to do so… Who is the crazy lady always preoccupied with grandpa and about a million things? ( the one who cries al the time). took away my job, the only thing i could do to earn a decent paycheck to support my self… took away my kids innocence - I mean at age 14 Bethany had to wipe her dads butt after every BM…. Who are we who am I - where is Dan…. where is my mom….. where is God ---- ??? no answers why, cause there are no answers, just heartbreak and more heartbreak … I am working on figuring all this out -------- a survival plan - I guess I will need to sell my house… obvious since I won't be able to make payments on it…. and It is so big and lonely since Dan has "chased" virtually everyone away… It is like a black cloud in this house --- beautiful home with absolutely "nothing" of value inside --- just broken , hollow lives …… then my plan is to remodel the rental home across the street which is a lot smaller --- for myself…. Renting would be a option but here in ND right now with all the growth going on---- so rent would and will fluctuate a lot… in order to survive this I am gonna need to figure this out - a mistake can be devastating…. mostly to me… Dan, will be OK no matter what - I will make sure he is OK… for me, the soon to be 47 yr old nursing home widow -- I am just not so sure - I think my forecast is pretty cloudy with a whole lot of tears and heartbreak in store…. I managed to caretake for almost 4 years - but it is breaking me… my heart, and my soul……and now I am wrecked……. Pouring it out there - I just can't keep it bottled any longer and most of my friends have went away -- and the ones who haven't are probably about as sick of me as they can possible be …. geez - why couldn't I have just cried and mourned and wrecked myself 4 years ago - why now --- delayed grief and complicated grief response i the term for it --- OMG - I have never been the "fruity candy " and now that is me the assortment of fruit and nuts…lol -----
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