I didn't think my heart could break any further but it just keeps on breaking
I keep sobbing. I am not getting work back and I am not getting the school thing going but maybe I can still do a class but I am not the person I was and I just hurt so much watching my life and hopes and dreams disappear. so much loss and if someone says stages of grief to me I will scream. what stage is screaming thank you veery much. I am in stage hurts and sobs. I perhaps need more mind numbing drugs to ease the pain of watching my life die while I do not. I try and be brave when I am not always getting phone calls or invitations and when I know that life is moving on while I stopped. I stopped. I changed. I don't know what is left to work with and I keep trying to do what used to be and it isn't any longer. I know I need to accept it and I should just stop trying to reclaim a life that is dead but I am not dead. I feel in limbo. I keep trying for stuff and they look at me like how cute and inspirational but not going to really work here though. I have become a joke. I am having a down night now and I know it is the disappointment of not getting the fieldwork I had last year for school and I don't know what I was thinking setting myself up for this disappointment. I can't do anything on all these pain killers now and I just hoped I would be able to later. It is later and I am just barely hanging on daily. I just have to survive daily now there is so little room for having goals like other people get to have. But not many people are going through the day dealing with pain like this either. What am I doing thinking that a life is going to happen. some where in my mind the goals still live and it is hearbreaking to watch them die. There isn't a pain pill strong enough to stop the pain of disappointment. All I do is ask why am I here to watch this happening and since I have to be please give me the strength to do it because nights like these it is just all consuming. words like grief and loss don't begin to cover it. I guess I wasn't ready to drop and retire yet and I thought I had time don't we all think we have time.
I am physically taxed out today and so it makes it harder to deal but in reality I would never be ready for all the disappointing news I got today. it is all such a challenge and just the small things feel so overwhelming at times. all I can do is sob. then what is left but to do what ever is next. I just forget in between times how painful and lost I feel when I cry. everyone has their own problems and I feel like I always have mine around and there isn't anything that can be done for it. I don't blame them for not putting me back in my life. it is gone. I don't see the new one yet except just sitting waiting for what I don't know. I keep thinking that the worst feelings are done and then I get my heart broken all over again. I go though my list of comforts again. like fuzzy robes and caramel coffee. the bad thing is that when I am all upset and crying then my stupid leg kicks and jerks so agonizing and abnormal. I feel like a freak show. This torture goes on physically and no one has answers or treatments for me. I am not going to want to get out there and go interview again but I don't want to sit home either but what can i do now? I don't know but I am overwhelmed with lots of annoying problems that are piling up right now and I feel like if I can deal with these home things then I should be able to do a work thing but people just see this disability. I guess I didn't know how it is for disabled having to prove and prove over and over. I just was not close to retiring and I am bored and lonely while everyone goes to work and have people to talk to. I have nothing meaningful going on. I just exist between pain pills really but I keep going out there pretending to have a real life. There is so much discrimination I know I have not been on a foggy island I just have not been a prisoner like this chained to this invisible ball and chain called loss of independence. Just when I think I am all settled in then something else happens and I just sob myself half to death. I worry I won't stop crying but then I do. I know I can't keep up crying because it takes too much energy. I don't know if it is time to give up or not. I want to find something to do but perhaps it is too stressful and I need to relax with my health in mind. Why do I struggle to do so much I just want to have something meaningful to do with my days
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