Everything happens for a reason
It all started last Wednesday. My job coach picked me up at 8am and on the way to the library, I realized I'd had more seizures in my sleep that morning. I had a little breakdown but did my work for the job coach. When I got back to my apartment and my therapist arrived, I completely lost it. I was crying and telling her "I can't live like this." Since I threatened to harm myself and she didn't know what I would do after she left, she had to call 911. I called my apartment manager and she rushed to my apartment to let me cry in her arms until the EMTs arrived then she called my dad to let him know what happened. I stayed the night in the Emergency Department I believe then I went back to my dad's house.
Thursday I seen my neurologist. He started me on depakote for seizures. Friday I was so sick. I just felt so depressed. I barely ate but I threw up everywhere. Saturday I felt better physically after throwing up but I still felt so depressed I barely ate anything. Sunday I slept all day, I didnt eat anything all day and I just wanted to die so bad. My dad took me back to the hospital and I requested to go back to the psych ward like I did in November. I found out that my depakote levels were too high. Monday I slept all day again, did not go to any group therapy sessions and didnt even get out of bed to see my dad because I didnt want to be a burden to him.
Tuesday I started to feel better and today I feel like a new person. The doctors decreased my depakote and klonapin and started me on seroquel I believe to help me sleep as needed. I got discharged from the hospital on Thursday. It was such a better experience this time. I got some great coping mechanisms, I was able to request a new therapist, and I inspired other suicidal people with epilepsy during group sessions. Most of all, I have not cried or had any seizures, panic attacks or anxiety attacks since Sunday!
It's so weird like this is what life feels like wow. My dad said yesterday that I act the way I acted before I moved to Charlotte. No fear, no anxiety, no sadness. Im just living life. I know its only been 2 days since I got discharged from the hospital but I believe I finally got the help I needed. My medications seem to be balanced out now and I learned great mechanisms for getting through tough moments. I didn't even go back to my dad's house. When I left the hospital I came straight to my apartment, did some more training with my job coach that night, and yesterday I ran errands with my dad all day. It's kind of surreal. I am so glad I listened to my body and went back to the Emergency Department. I have not felt this "normal" in such a long time
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