Today I am thinking how nice it would be to have someone to tell me : "there, there, it will all be okay soon." Yesterday was not a good day. I went to a church meeting, did my part of the service, just a reading, didn't stay for morning tea as I was feeling sick, got out of the car in my driveway and I was sick. I was lucky to get out of the car I guess. Was sick on and off for a while and then had a shower and spent most of the day laying down, feeling sad and sorry for myself. That is when I really feel alone. Not one of the kids could get here if I was really ill so guess I would have to call an ambulance and submit to the professionals for help. Of course my next door neighbours were both away so who do you call on?

It is times like this I really miss having someone else around. Having someone saying comforting words, having someone else make a "nice cup of tea". I felt the same way when I was a full-time caregiver so now at least there is no other person I am responsible for. I am so sorry caregivers, I can just rest when I know you can't and like me will still yearn for that mother-like figure who can make it all better. I guess we never grow out of that.

Not a bad week all told, got some more of the gardening done, managed to get through my routine okay, all the boxes ticked. On the other hand I didn't really connect with anyone last week, sometimes I still feel the disconnection between myself and others. I even miss the everyday contact I used to have with the carers we had the last couple of years of Ray's life here. I didn't get to chat as I couldn't log in, I seem to have some computer woes right now. I think there is a problem with connectivity as sometimes I can get onto all my favourite sites and sometimes I can't, the computer seems to fail to find them. Better save up for another laptop as I guess they only have a few years of life before they quit.

Had another cancellation as I was supposed to go and stay with a girlfriend who lives two hours away for a couple of nights next week. This is the second time she has postponed the visit so I'm guessing talking on the phone to me is all she wants. The trouble for me is I have a few friends like that, they invite me to "come anytime" and if I suggest a date they back off. I don't think it is necessarily connected to me being a widow but it may be. This is a busy world we live in so maybe time is too precious to waste on visitors?

I'm realising how much I miss company since I came home from Trevor's place. He wasn't there a lot as he was working but I was okay with that as I knew he would be back sooner or later. Those last 12 years with Ray got me used to someone being right here for companionship and it is hard to get away from that. I was never told this was another aspect of long term caregiving that the personal space came to fit the situation so now I am grieving for that constant company that living with Ray ensured. Now the house seems empty and when no-one is about I feel lonely. I thought I would feel free but that doesn't seem to be the case.

We are each subject to different triggers and I am learning more about mine by chatting to an old friend on Facebook. He has been alone for a long time and my complaints about loneliness and wanting someone to be here are a mystery to him. He just gets up and starts each day with a list in his head of things he wants to get done and that is his day. I think because he also works part-time he has a better work/life balance than I do. Maybe if I looked at my church activities as "work" and my time at home as "leisure" I would find life more satisfactory. Then time away would be "holidays" and I would feel as if I deserved them? It is just a thought I am considering.

I am off to the WAGS group this morning, just to catch up with my old friends from that group and to a church meeting this afternoon. That will fill in the day. Thank goodness I feel like a human being today, that has to be a good thing. I've got to make the most of the next few weeks before the warmth goes out of the summer, the days draw in and we are set towards winter again. Then I will be moaning that there is too little time in the day. Never happy eh?