New Days and New Emotions (an old blog, 6/05)
I am struggling. I don't know why it's hitting me right now, but it is frightening. I suppose it is the realization that Bill has so many deficits, the fact that it's been 3 months since his last stroke, and with every day I fear the next one is closer, the new pains he is experiencing, the fact that he has become a little testy this week, life itself..........
I'm frustrated because since October 2004 I've gained 25# and I'm not having much success getting it off..the motivation is there, then stress steps in and I reach for the wrong thing. Bill has asked repeatedly if I'm going to do anything about it this summer. I know he doesn't remember asking, but since my weight has been an issue since I was a child I'm about ready to scream. The other evening I got upset and told him that he may not realize it but he is asking me what I'm going to do about my weight almost everyday and I've about had it. He got angry and said he hadn't been asking me anything about it and ya, dah, dah, dah (I really don't need to rehash it). I've heard so many times how I've "hurt his feelings" but then, I feel that my feelings shouldn't ever be hurt. (Now I'm sounding like a real baby....)
I feel like I want to run.......but then I know that this will pass and running is the last thing I want to do. I've always said I want to be his "help-mate", now I have the opportunity to be that and I want to be the BEST.....He is being rather testy about my involvement with his treatment, too. It is sort of like he doesn't want me to say anything, he wants to tell the therapists what HE wants and doesn't really want to work. When asked what he is doing, he tells them he's doing everything - dressing (not), preparing food (not), then when I blow his cover he gets angry. I think that's what has led to his attitude right now. I'm beginning to harden to it though.. and even that frightens me - I'm reminded here that my helping him will include being tough, so I guess I'll just have to let my skin get a little thicker, too.
Now it's time to shower and fold clothes and clean the house and do the dishes....boy, I'm sounding like a spoiled brat ready to through a tantrum!!! :nuhuh:
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