Nuances
people who have followed my blog know a bit about my depression. and so I am happy to say I managed to do the drive and got my sister. But through out the drive my ears rang. I am so happy to have her. It really is a pity that I had the need for family in a way that i can not describe. as we drove i would have the temporary moments where I felt "normal". then the reminder of the ears ringing would start up - reminding me there is something wrong with me.
So it seems the answer to peoples question hi how are you… makes me pause and the only answer i am able to give is surviving . And wishing I could just say the word "good".But something about this depression makes me so brutally honest… It has a term for it - called…. uninhibited reply…. essentially this means i have a lot of trouble replying or even commentary from me is honest. Honesty when inappropriate is brutal. mostly for me - in terms I wouldn't just say to you I hate your new haircut. But if you said to me i like your haircut - i would go on in conversation and (if I wasn't happy with the haircut) about why I don't care for it…. It is just nuance in difference. But that in essence is part of my depression. a nuance of thoughts and I totally shift in mood. It is weird . and yet each persons depression is so different. I read somewhere that a depression can really only be described by a metaphor . And that is so true. Also makes a person hard to diagnose. I mean when my head spins as I describe - could also be a numbness to another.
I read my blog from last entry and that started me crying.Usually , Each day in the morning I feel confident I am improving. But as the day moves on I get the spun feeling, a feeling of tiredness , or numbness and it builds in me. until we get to the late afternoon or evening hours then I improve again - usually….. the nuances of life are also lessons of life….
I mean I have so much sadness in the past four years that when i didn't necessary feel every thing at the time it was happening. So now I am getting everything lumped up all at once and force fed to me… The emotions I swallowed for years are now front and center. I am crying again as i write this blog. With a bit of relief to cry as I have found I usually feel a bit better when I do. My grief and depression are certainly co- mingled … I don't know where one begins or one ends. Like I said I do seem to be getting better I usually get a few early morning hours and a few in the evening of "normal" feeling. And I could not claim that before, so there is improvement but again it is just a nuance.
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