OMG - I am gonna live.. warning a bit graphic
Finally , finally - it has taken 8 weeks of medication but I can officially say I do feel human again… The past year is a complete blur, I can recall specifics but the snap shot of the last year is gone. Heck it seems to have taken the last 4 years with it. So severe depression has proven to be the most awful thing. I would rather have gone through labor and delivery of a child daily than live out a depressed day… Depression - what a painful and awful thing. It does have a bit of beauty in that after the suffering is done you are left with appreciation.
I don't believe I will ever take care of Dan at home again. The very thought of it scares me. Unfortunatley for both He and I ….. I would have gladly spent my life with him- and I still will just differently. But will not risk my mental health ever again. It is so nice to just "BE OK " and actually mean it .
Yesterday was my grandsons birthday. nothing to big - just a go out for supper kind of thing. in 2 sundays we will have a party for him ( working around farmers schedules ).
I have sold the house ( the big one) . and the little house I will be moving to should be completed by the end of July. So I sit in my daughters basement..LOL it is a pretty nice basement. Having the sister from CO - who came to be with me because of the depression ( although we had planned to have her come to help with Dan - but first she had to see her last kid off to college). But then we needed her ASAP because of me and my issues. She has done a good job of "talking me down" and helping me to push through the moods and depression. I journaled through some of the depression. I can not read that , the thoughts are way to dark during the depression.
But now I want to thank each of you who has contacted me either via stroke net or Facebook ( i got rid of Facebook didn't need bystanders watching me crash and burn in case I would be dumb enough to write something stupid. And a few phone calls. Checking on me. I appreciate each and everyone of you guys who made the extra effort. It mattered more than you will ever know.
I know it will take a long time more to "solidify" in terms of the depression. but it has been about 8 months since I could say my days are more normal than not… Dark thoughts just pushed their way into my brain. I am reasonable strong person - but wow- I had no idea about what depression can do. I have that answer ------Depression Can Do ANYTHING in terms of symptoms… and I do mean anything to any part of your body or mind. And I certainly could "see" from my up close vantage point how suicide becomes a option ( not a good one) but the simple anguish that one has - you just want OUT… OUT..OUT of your own body. And I was always of the opinion suicide was selfish, - think of family and friends and the destruction it leaves behind.. BUT when you are in that much pain it doesn't matter , family , friends anything that one would think are barriers are not enough reason to "stay". It seems for me to have been - weirder reasons. One was, If i killed myself in AZ it would be a lot of procedures to get my body back to ND. And i pictured my oldest (April) having to deal with that . Not the loss of me- but the fact - that the loss of me would create "paperwork". Once I was back in ND- nothing was holding me back and I was fixated-- but also knew - I did not WANT to die - I just could not fathom living any length of time like I was. So this was some dark reading for a few of us - but maybe a lifeline to others . I did put the disclaimer to warn of the darkness I would be writing about… It is what it is-- the good the bad and the ugly.
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