a little bit better...i think..
so I was manic- possible for the last 4 years when dan stroked and mom died and so began the worst year EVER --2011, In investigating - how long was i "out" i get different answers from different people. but a few people swear that i "flipped" 4 years ago. Not obviously- but, bit by bit and day by day.
It is odd to think of all i have accomplished while "out"... and i have clear remberences of what i did when i did it. And the slow shift into a manic state happened . the peak of the manic stage was of course this last winter. I remember feeling normal in early October and by end of October I was a different person with different priorities.
Then the slow tumble into a pit ( from end of November into January) .. I stayed in that pit for at least the past 7 months although I seem to have found some footholds and am getting closer to climbing out. And I may never escape the pit. But may be able to find comfortable cave inside the side of the pit , hopefully near the top ( lol)...
Some days are OK ( sorta) some days ARE NOT OK. and the meds to keep the spin out cause me to eat, eat, eat.... so I am up 20 lbs.. i look fine, but the next 20 up could be a bugger...
I am so very thankful to my stroke net friends - the phone calls from a few, the supportive feedback. all of it was so very helpful and appreciated. Now folks we gotta be on the lookout for the " newbie" who thinks they can do it all.. Ummm you can until you can't anymore... and i think my sub conscience already knew and started grieving before i knew I had to give it up - ( by that i mean dan to the nursing home) he is adjusting slowly . How odd it is to think I should have been able to do this ( take care of Dan) but I couldn't , and I usually if goal oriented "get my way" - I do the work to get my way. And this is a whopper to have failed at. And yes i know i didn't fail per say, but in my own heart I did. and so there come the guilt. Even though I KNOW i did my best, I am my own worst enemy. I was asked the other day, what do I fear the most? My answer- ME- I myself have done the worst thing i could ever do. and that is something. I have been around a lot of dangerous people in my law enforcement years. And not one of those people scare me like I scared my self... to learn what you are capable of is truly a scary thing. I know I am not a bad person, and i know all my thinking of having failed at caregiving, child rearing, grandma'ing employee - has scared me - those are all my values and I was and did ( for awhile) dispose of all those characteristics to become some other person who was off by just a few degrees. But those degrees matter, just the littlest degree can be detrimental, and make a person, be not who they are... like twins, the same but different. oh man i am rambling .. Dan is in actuality doing ok.. as good as he can. The blood infection has resolved for now. But I have a feeling ,it now lives in his body hidden ,but will rear its ugly head. We shall see.
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