Nursing Home Life
Well Nursing Home life isn't easy for Dan or myself. I continue to visit daily during my noon hour. It is bitter sweet. My sister notices everytime I return from a visit on the weekend how sad I am. I can't seem to let go of our prestroke lives. I never realized how co- dependant I was. Almost 5 years out now. The first two taking care of Dan at home was fabulous, no it wasn't - right--- the refusals the not drinking the not eating -- on and on.. But for a bit I tricked myself into the rose colored glasses. And the last two - frightening .
The kids don't help as much as they had promised --- kids right. They have their own lives, as they should.
I still am struggling with the depression, but now we are going down the road of bi- polar .... Same meds, leaving the effexor alone -- but using the a much higher dose of ambilify.... Last time I was on it i was at 2mg now ; we are going 5 mg for a week and then 10 mg.... scared of the weight gain.... My depression isn't the sad, crying can't get out of bed... I am manic for the most part my mind races and my body reacts to the mind racing... worry about Dan, then I worry about work ( mind you my boss is not a high pressure person) worry about the kids, day dream about the past. in split seconds.... Always a multitasker , now brain won't stop multitasking...
But I am better no doubt, so if your reading this and think OH - she is sinking again, i am not. I just want to get a bit better. And waiting the past 4 months or so with no med changes hasn't improved me. But I haven't went backward either.
I have big decisions to make. Good job opportunity if I can handle it and I am not sure I can. My boss is considering running for judge. And he will most likely win. I can go with him. But the level of work I am not sure I am up to at this point. However - good pay, good benefits, love my boss,. But working in a full office of women scares me. However I would have my own office and really only interact when needed.
My boss and I worked a really big case last week and went to trial with it. We lost but it was about a 90% chance going into it we would, I felt we got the odds to about 50/50 when it went to jury. We lost. But did a absolute great job defending him.
Now my next touchy topic, if one has a constructive thing to say - then say it. If you want to criticize or make me feel bad - keep it to yourself. I am lonely. I miss my old life. But that is gone. Dan as I knew him is gone. He is a dependent, and I love him, but not a husband. The stroke stripped us of all that. So I have seen a few men. Guess what, none want to be seen with me. They like me, but being seen ( small rural town) with me, they can't do. One was absolutely sure he could. But in public I felt the shrinking from me. No fixes to that. For those of you who don't know - I am 48.
Dan has his own private room at the nursing home finally !! He is much more settled. But every behavior he has is still a issue.
So I have to mentally prepare myself everytime I visit. Got to be ready for shut the door, lights out, fix the picture move the TV just a bit. On and On....
How on earth did I take care of him for 4 yrs and now I can't hardly do an hour ? No answers...
The whole why us, why, why, why.... doesn't matter - it is what it is.... Now if I can just accept that, I would probably feel a lot better.
11 Comments
Recommended Comments