blank mind
hi guys.
I'm having a difficult time with something and am asking for help..
It comes down to it,, I truly need help understanding how a person with a stroke feels.. inside. 'But Kelli, you had a stroke?'.. yes but I was given the chance to lose that. Either a blessing or a curse that caused me to lose the memory of my life prior to this unfortunate event and that makes it difficult to understand the grieving process. I know I went through the process but i can't remember my steps. I can read my previous blog postings and truly have no thoughts or emotional understanding. It's so hard to try to explain what that is like so I'll try my best for some memories stick and some float away like water.
It's odd looking at pictures and not recognizing your own mother. She had darker hair ( older picture) and because she didn't look like she does now, I had no tucked away memory of her. She was in the picture with my twin sister at her wedding, which I was in, and my sister looks the same and she wasn't hard to spot. I understand people and things change over time and when you have the memory strand in your mind,following the progression of time is easy. Much like when I was married and would tell my then husband i felt out of place and I'm filling in someone else's shoes. The strange thing was it was my own shoes from another life. That was hard for many people to understand for you can't 'see' memory differences.. Heck it's hard for me to grasp.
My happiness comes from living in the moment. That is the basis of Buddhism and I'm certain is what drew me to the practice. But the thing that is the kicker is I have no other place to live but now. This is all I know, The way I see life, bouncing and through 'pink lenses', is for me the only way I see life and I have no other way to exist.
This is often taken as acceptance and if so what a great thing but to me it's just life. The thought of my stroke is so far in the past of my mind, much like this morning for that matter , though i can recall the events of my stroke for that first part of the event was the last solid memory that was cemented to my psyche. I've been though Cognitive Therapy, Family Counseling , Couple Therapy and they have taught me that some memories are deep down emotions. Well you would think the birth of my two boys was there but when I think of that, it's like recalling a movie scene. You have no attachment to the scene but you know it as if your favorite movie.
i know I've written about much about this before but it's therapy for me to write it out. Oh and part of my Aphasia causes me to not have com-plete sentences or going around in circles. Sorry if that happened.
Smitty
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