Hard to Explain
This is a letter I found that I'm not even sure if I sent to a friend of mine on a writing website.
Hey friend,
I'm about to type some things and I'm not completely sure why and I definitely don't want to burden you or make you feel awkward but honestly I'm at a loss.
Have you ever had something happen in your life that you couldn't talk about to those around you because it was too real with so many layers, but you still needed to get it out? So I tried blogging it, but besides the fact that no one reads blogs it's been too goodnot like talking to someone ...yet, for chicken's sake someone you don't have to worry about coming face to face with.
I was just surfing around wdc and your name just kept coming up. I almost went to your humor folder because it is amazing, but laughter isn't what I need now. I need to be honest with someone.
A week ago today my 46 year old husband had a stroke. He was alone in our house laying on the floor for six hours. I realized something was wrong when I was over an hour's drive away.
That night the doctor didn't expect him to make it. I was numb. You hear the term mind spinning but I don't think most people really understand the feeling.
It is a week later, we are in one of the best stroke rehab centers in the state. I have so much to be thankful for. He is alive. Cognition and memory are great. Slight drooping of the mouth on the left side. Numbness in left hand and leg; but he is progressing.
During the day, I am his cheerleader and his strength. I am strong in front of others so they aren't afraid and so they won't minimize or try to cure my feelings.
At night, like right now, I sit in my bed/chair listening to the only man I've ever felt true love for and listen to him breath. It is my only comfort.
Ken, despite my faith and what ever common sense I have I can't get a grip on the cluster of emotions.
I'm sad, scared, grateful, mad, hopeful, tired, lonely,flustered, lost, confused, overwhelmed, optimistic, and about 40 more I can't put a finger on.
The question in my mind now is not so much why but how. How do I ever leave him again? How do I reassure him when I develop new fears hourly? How long can I remain strong? How is it possible that people are continuing on with life? How many tears can a human possibly have in them? How do I repay the sacrifices and kindness of others? How long can I go without feeling him hold me? How do I deal with this?
Sorry to spill my heart out. Feel free to just hit delete. I already do feel better by just verbalizing it well writing it.
Love you,
Audra
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