do i want to be disabled?
I have gone through a strange identity crisis. My wrist was bent for so long that I knew I looked disabled to other people. I used to hate that bent wrist and I felt like that was the first thing people noticed when they looked at me. Now it feels kind of weird to look semi normal or whatever. Even though I can straighten my elbow I find myself choosing to keep it bent. I dont know why. My therapist thinks I want people to feel sorry for me but its not that its just I want them to still know Im disabled.
I guess I still want help. When I had my cast on, strangers offered me help everywhere I went. Now since my arm looks pretty normal I dont get that help. My fingers are still curled and we have not been able to reteach my brain to open my hand so even though my hand looks like Im holding something all the time, I dont think anyone realizes I actually cant move those fingers yet. Then when I do straighten my arm sometimes it comes back up so its very weird. I cant tell if I look like someone that just had a stroke or if I look like I never had a stroke.
Its kind of hard to explain. I cant ask strangers to be polite (i.e hold the door, help put my groceries in my cart). I've never had to ask for certain things. Sometimes people just did it. Now sometimes I feel like I gotta bend my arm so people will in a sense feel sympathy. I never thought I would feel this way.
Therapy is going okay. My hand opens with no pain now when we use the e-stim. I got my manicure and did other small things I've waited so long to do. I've been trying to use my hand more to help me do things like fold clothes and eat but it hard since Im not allowed to put pressure through my arm while my wrist is still healing.
I also have been asking myself do I really want to try to use my left hand? Everything has actually been easier using one hand. I get so impatient and frustrated trying to use my left hand to do things. I've been using just my right hand for so long Im just used to it. I guess it will take time but really the only time I want to use my left hand is when I want to multitask or do something with my hair and since my OTs dont know if Im going to get any fine motor skills back I havent been able to try to do things like that anyway
so yeah basically I am glad I had the surgery my arm wrist and hand feel and look SO much better but I am adjusting and relearning right now
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