Changing Times
What can I say it has been a rough week. This week for some reason I fell depressed and anxious...to the point where I did nothing for 4 days or maybe 5. I did see my Psychiatrist and we discussed all of these issues. For the first time since I have seen Dr. Chalfant, I broke down in his office. I just couldn't stop it from coming and my answers seemed to all be "I don't know". Even on beautiful days getting out of bed or just not sleeping was a huge challenge. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflection to try and give myself some possible answers so I can start that steep climb out.
One: time has changed figuratively and literally. The spring time change is usually very positive for me but this year it was harder than I can ever remember. Two: Hailey moved into her own apartment and she is really enjoying it but I think this is affecting me way more than I realize. Three: Adrian is working the longest hours every day and he is exhausted. His work week is like up at 4am...work til 6pm or 7pm...eat...have ice cream...and pass out (over and over and over). Four: The double whammy...because I am here by myself so much like all the time. Hailey is gone, Adrian is a visitor and I am lonely.
I think these things have made me blue. I also do believe that my anxiety has been higher recently. I have had minor medication changes but anything even small can have its' effects. No matter, I have to climb out of this. It doesn't just disappear without my effort. So I have been trying to pay close attention to my daily schedule and make myself do things. Replacement is not always the answer but I have to start somewhere. I have been making myself get outside and do little things like pick up twigs, tidy the gardening things, put up a small bird feeder and trying to make plans for this years gardening projects.
Today I am feeling a bit better...more hopeful. I have reflected on how much improvement I have accomplished since the stroke happened. It's hard for me to remember but I am making a point to do so. I sometimes don't give myself enough thought or credit for the hurdles I have crossed. I went from the inability to walk except barely with a walker to a gardener, home cook, a driver, a walker on my own two feet, a blogger, a planner whether I get it all done or not. I have a lot of triumphs I can be proud of. My desire to improve is still there. My need to learn about myself is forefront and I stop to see the beautiful things that I once didn't think about. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. I believe that sometimes we need to do before we reap internal feeling. Push through...fight...believe all whether we see the positive or not. It will catch up and wash over you.
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