alone
I haven't been able to be alone for a very long time. This weekend I have been. No one here. It is nice, not only the freedom of it, but the fact I can do it. For so long being at home alone was something I just made sure never happened. Not on a conscience level, but sub consciencely. I have a little anxiety this morning, but thats only because i have "thought " about it.
Dan is doing as well as Dan can do. Good days, Bad days the same cycle repeats itself. Trying hard to just hang on and enjoy the good and walk away from the bad. But on average I leave the nursing home - which i visit usually x2 daily- crying about 2 days a week. last week was his birthday, baked him a homemade red velvet cake. That cake is a lot of work. The kids took it to him along with his birthday gift. A fluffy "cheatah blanket". I was home sicker than a dog with this darn flu/cold. He was mad it wasn't me, so he kicked the kids out, along with the cake and his present. Mind you earlier he had ny sister come to his room and ask to take him to one of my daughters home for his birthday. He refused - i think he thought I would come, I couldn't ,i just ached to much.
I came the next day and he does the dismissive thing flipping his hand in the - go away fashion- the," get out of my sight." I have had that happen to me so much, one would think I would become immune from that distain he displays. But Im not. I still care enough to cry.
I have found I can concentrate much better. At work I am finally a asset instead of a hinderance. It was awful, in the height of my depression- i had no ability to remember, my eyes couldn't see and focus. and my hearing was muffled . My stomach had that awful fight or flight feeling. Those were my primary problems, with a whole host of more minor complaints. You know on Facebook some little saying will come up with a clever way of saying, all that has happened to me has made me stronger. I say thats a lot of B**lSh*t. If it ( depression) didn't kill you, your just damn lucky. Luckier still if you can find a treatment that works. Well thats my brilliance , haha for today....
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