I am not the girl I once was, nor that comfortable middle aged worker, nor the Caregiver for Ray, I am an ageing widow.  I can admit to that, especially when I try to do something I used to do with ease and oh! those aching muscles the following day! So it will come as no news to you all that not only am I ageing but so are my friends.  I had lunch with a dear friend I went to school with today and she told me all about the assisted living village she and her husband are soon to move in to.  I held my breath because for a moment I saw her competing in our school sports carnival and running like a deer and here she was talking about her creaking knees and her other problems and reality crept in for me.  We were both old now! I don't mind ageing, but I don't want my friends to do the same. 

I am back in the funeral season. It is in Spring rather than winter that occurs.  Maybe we are programmed to do that.  It is sad to lose those a year or two ahead of us but tragic to lose those younger ones. Here it is often to heart disease or cancer.  Strokes are rare as a cause of death because when you pass fifty the doctors are more careful with blood pressure medication and stress tests and other tests to find out what they can do to keep us fit.  I am going through a series of tests at the moment related to those things my parents suffered in their later years.  It is good to have the results of blood tests come back negative to some of them. Not all of them so some new medication is coming into my life. I expected that. It is part of being the age I am. As long as it doesn't affect my driving, or cause me to have a more restricted life.

I still attend the Stroke group Ray and I belonged to.  There too I am seeing and hearing about the age related illnesses as opposed to the stroke related illnesses. Some widowed members still belong as I do so we often sit to one side and tell each other what we are doing and how we are getting on, on our own.  Of course those who have wealthier lives are doing the travelling and cruising and the rest of us are a little envious.  But, like me, many of the widows are just socializing, gardening, doing those things that cost little money but give us some enjoyment.  And where possible keeping up with their children and grandchildren.  All of my travelling is to go to visit either my younger son or my daughter and her family.  The almost adult children of my older son I see when they come up to visit their mother on our part of the coast. That is just twice a year now but that is okay.

I am still doing various forms of voluntary work.  I was waitressing at a funeral tea at our church this Monday past.  I suddenly realised I was a waitress at 17 and here I am cleaning tables at 77.  I said that to one of my friends and she said it sounds like the circle of life is now coming full circle.  I'm guessing it is lucky for me I can still do things to help others which I intend to do for as long as I can. I still crochet rugs for nursing homes, small ones to use in a wheelchair, the nursing homes seem pleased with them.  A brightly coloured rug keeping your knees warm is always welcome on the colder days. I guess they will be put away in a month or so as the days warm up. My friend I lunched with today makes teddy bears, small enough for a child's hand to hold for the Childrens Ward at our two local hospitals, if she makes enough the Ambulence drivers get some too. I'm sure they will miss her when she moves north.

I am still doing a lot of volunteering at church.  We have a new lady minister, a friend of mine from a long time ago and she always has a few little jobs for me to do.  I don't mind as it fills in my time and working or serving others is one of those things that keeps me going, keeps me interested in life.  There are other women who also volunteer so we often work as a tag team.  It can be quite a social occasion after funerals or before we do a setting up job in the back hall so again a plus for someone who lives alone.  I know not everyone can do that but I am glad I still can.  When Spring comes I can do gardening again and that will be good.  We had a lot of rainy days this past month so not a lot could be done.  I love being outdoors but not when it is windy and wet. There is something flowering in my garden year round so I am lucky that way.

I know we all lose friends, but it does put a real hole in my life when someone who has meant a lot to me dies.  At the funeral on Monday we were farewelling a man who was our church treasurer for many years.  His wife was supported by the volunteer workers from our charity shop as she was the manager there for many years.  It is those moments when I do start to miss those people who have been a big inspiration in my life, those good friends who have gone and I know they will not be easy to replace now. Of course, I do still have some friends but they too have problems, and I must say medical appointments rather than coffee meetups are in the front of our minds now. Which is a pity but probably part of that ageing process. And as the saying goes "that's life".