Wasted Afternoon
:wicked:The dark one came back after lunch and decided to spend the rest of the day tormenting me with little barbs like "god you are worthless, "Can't you ever get your self starting doing something productive? I can only reply but why why not just sit here and muse over what has become a pretty predictable life. Predictable in that the person I used to be Mr. Excitment has sort of been on sabattical since stroke day, Sometimes I really amaze myself at how well I can shift blame, reassign motive and give myself good marks all in the time it takes to burb. Excuse me no need to be vulgur. I love reading these blogs I think they are much better that daytime soap opera's and there aren't any commercials. If I just wasn't so damn depressed I might still see that there is a life to be lived but with the dark one always staring over my shoulder it's hard he's always there to put down my thoughts as mindless and my attempts at reentering life's hiway as just a waste of time because for almost all 54 years I was never once totally honest with myself and spent lots of time and money trying to run from the truth or at least rearainging it to fit my needs. I don't think I'll try killing myself again, I mean failue at that level is really embarassing, and I never want to spend another day in any hospitals nut ward. But I do spend alot of time thinking about ending my existence, and I guess that's a waste too, because like I said I don't own a gun and that's the only way I would try it again Like just pull that trigger good bye no chance to have your guts pumped empty of the poison bang it's all over in a second no more suffering no more pain, no more nothing. OK OK this is getting me no where fast I'm going to be a good boy and work on my classes for next week, so starnge I have always had everything so easy always been the right guy at the right place at the right time, then I had a minor and it was minor stroke the first thing to really go bad in my life and how did I handle poor in fact *beep* poor, but I did get a second chance, once again things fell my way. Well I sure have shot this afternoon I'm going home and get ready for the screening of "The Matador" hope it's as good as "The Emperor's Journey. Guess I'll let ya know tomarrow. Well me and my sidekick The dark one say se-ya later.
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