Jumbled thought and Inner Peace
WARNING: TONITES BLOG IS NOT OF MY NORMALLY (HUMOROUS) STUFF. I HAD A DEEP THINKING KINDA DAY THAT DIDN'T INCLUDE ANYONE BUT ME. NO PHONE CONVERSATION OVER 5 MINUTES...AND IT FELT GOOD. SO NO ONE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO ANNOY ME. PROCEED WITH CAUTION! :Flame-On:
I spent most of the day deciding if I should or shouldn't blog...Well here I am. Lately my gears have shifted to acceptance of what has happen to me when I had the stroke in May 2005. I am approaching a year and thought that I should have been done with this whole recovery thing. Needless to say I hindered my recovery by placing a timeline on what I felt I should be doing. I find I shifted between "guilt and denial". I didn't realize how guilty I felt after having to be taken care of, I was use to being the one who cares for everyone. Then there was denial I got stuck and probably still a little stuck in this phase. My stroke left no visible deficits so I never really felt I had a stroke just terrible migraines, fatigue, weakness and bouts of dizziness. I think back to the day I was discharged and I asked the neurologist was "HE" sure I had a stroke. I mean I only spent 3 days in the hospital and felt like I would be returning to work within a week or 2. I still shake my head thinking about it, but I could walk, just a little weakness...I couldn't accept that I need assistive devices so with my constant refusal the device went from a walker, to a quad cane, to finally a cane. When I got home that very day I cleaned the house...I was dizzy as crap but never let it stop me. I got tired from cleaning and just thought I need a nap, so I took one. I was angered because everyone kept giving me pity like I couldn't do things for myself and I was determined to show them I could.
Needless to say here I am with my good and bad days now no one "really" thinks I have bad days because early in my recovery I insisted I was fine. I have began to heal almost a year later and I have learned that so much had not to do with the therapy but my will to be okay. I've read around on the board at different blogs and post and that is what most survivors say what has helped them their "Will and Determination". Those are the ones who do okay. Once we shake the depression and strive to be who we are no matter what we look like and what society says what we should look like we become wholesome.
Today I had my first hot stone massage...it was one of the best experiences of my life. It's hard to explain but to spend 1 1/2 hours without nothing on your mind and it was a great feeling. I don't think I would have never healed spiritually if I haven't started to clear my mind. Speaking with the massage therapist about stress that really clogs our minds and thinking, to be able to mentally escape is amazing. So even though it is one of my USUAL SLEEPLESS :Neeeedsleeep: NITE yes WITH A HEADACHE :head_hurts: I did take something and will try to find inner peace. "Rome wasn't built in a day". It's like I didn't even realize that I was suppose to be living. I thought going to work and paying bills was living. I mentioned a couple of things that I will not be doing for my family and now they think something is wrong with me. I guess I can say there is...I have something to do in life besides be their personal secretary. I'm constantly amazed how much people ask of me moreso now since the stroke...I think the assumption I am home doing nothing and bored so they want to give me something to do.
Tonight is just a bunch of jumbled thoughts...this is how my mind works, its like noise in my head jumping from one thing to another. I'll end it here and try to focus my thoughts finding inner peace through meditation and concentration, because I hate that my concentration is really screwed up I can barely get through a magazine article. That's the only thing I want back from the old me.
***THIS BLOG WAS TYPED AT 2:30AM***I FORGOT TO PLUBISH IT***
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