What is wrong with me?
I have read some about this on Stroke Network. But I guess as time has gone on it means more to me. What do people mean when they say "You don't look like you had a stroke"? I want to say thank you but I had 4 and maybe 5. For some reason when people hear you had a stroke they expect physical dissabilites. I am so lucky and blessed that I don't really have any. Oh sure I lost about 25% of my visual field, my balance is off and I usually feel like I have the flu. Otherwise though I'm not stricken like most people think I would be if I had what they consider a stroke. My difficulties are much more subtle but still there. My cognitive abilities are damaged. During a conversation I sit there, looking like I didn't have a stroke, but feeling fearful I will have to say something about the topic and my mind won't keep up with everybody elses thoughts. Everybody else is discussing some hot political topic and I'm working hard so I can just remember who was there and most of the time even that I was there.
There are so many things I can't do anymore I can't list them. The things that bother me the most are the things that I can't do that make me feel like a child. My wife has to take total control over when I take medicine and what I take. I don't even try to take Tylenol without her knowing and saying it is OK. The big problem is I don't remember. Lately I twice I had to take my medicine on my own. I ended up double dosing myself because I didn't remember taking the first dose. My wife puts my medicines in a pill box that has slots for each day and different doses each day. I still get confused.
I search for things to do during the day that will give me a feeling of accomplishment. I think I do some stuff but at the end of the day I can't remember. I used to love to read books. I loved to immerse myself in the "other worlds" authors create. I can read now, but I lose interest in my books. I don't have the urge to go back and keep reading because once I put the book down the story is lost on me. When I do pick up the book to read the next chapter I don't remember anything about the story. I recently signed up to play ESPN Fantasy Baseball online. I thought that the statistics baseball is famous for and some competition would be good for my brain. The problem is that every day I look at my team page there are changes that only I could have made but I don't remember making them. I have a list of players that I got in the draft because I prioritized a list of players. I don't ever remember making the prioritized list or why I chose the players I did. My days and actions are so fragmented and my memories are like snap shots. I can't remember action or real life. If I go to a friends house for an evening, the next day I will only have a few snapshot memories of what went on the night before, if anything at all.
The other issue I have is fatigue. If I do even a simple task it will wipe me out even the next day. For example if I try to help my wife by vacumming while she is at work, I do it knowing that I will be wiped out by the time she gets home and most of the next day.
This is a good high level overview of what my stroke issues are. There are a lot more but I feel like such a whiner by going over even what I did. I should just be strong and take what I've been given and not complain. If I was a strong person physically, psychologically and spiritually I would do that.
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