My Grief!
My husband is a walking reminder of grief for my old life! As we move through this process, trying to resolve things, we often says "I want the stroke to go away". On my way to getting there - I'm finding this to be one of the hardest situations in my life ever. I've lost a sibling, lost my mom to a terminal illness four years ago, recently lost my dad to a sudden accident..... and the grief associated with my husbands stroke is no comparison to any previous grief I have embraced. It's not even close. As I examine this, it comes to mind that every time I see him limping around the house; look at things undone that he used to take care of and that are now my responsibility; the challenge of dealing with an adolescent has become primarily my concern.... these are all constant reminders of the loss and changes in our lives. I struggle with a new life where my husband can no longer protect me physically, something that I dearly valued. He was tall, strong, and a big presence. He now struggles not to fall and take care of himself. I can't change the hand that was dealt me, I can only change my response to it. I've never in my life ever wanted to run away more than I do now. I'm an avoider by nature - I can avoid dealing with my feelings about my parents deaths.... The stroke situation I can't avoid - and it's really weighing pretty heavy on me. I'm going to go get some help.
I can't help but think of an analogy that makes me smile. We have always owned working dogs (retrievers and bird dogs). Teaching a dog to "hold" a bird in their mouth is a challenge. You can't have them dropping it, or chewing it. They must be taught to hold the bird until you ask for it. The training starts with a dowl or stick or something that you put in their mouth, use your hands to close their mouth around the dowl, and tell them to hold. As soon as you take your hand a way, they always drop the dowl. This goes back and forth, back and forth.... until the dog accepts that nothing is going to change for them, and they have to hold the dowl until you ask for it. It's funny thinking about the dog continue to spit out the dowl and the trainer puts it back in... over and over and over again.
That is kind of how I feel in regards to the stroke. I spit it out, go about my day, and very soon run into a situation that shoves the stroke back in my mouth..... over and over and over.
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