Ray had his stroke anniversary on April 19th. This is not the anniversary of his first major stroke. He had one on December 9th 1990, had six months of intensive rehab and went back to work. That was a real stroke, but he got over it. It left him with anaesthesia down the left hand side of the body, slurred speech and an inability to think when he was tired and overwhelming fatigue that meant he dropped into a chair and slept as soon as he got home of a night and slept most of the weekend. But he still held down a job, drove and did all the usual things.

The stroke on 19th April 1999 was the one that changed our lives. Followed by one on 10th May 1999 that compounded the damage and nearly took his life.

So that is why, I if not both of us, classify 19th April as his stroke anniversary.

I took things easy last week, seven years of caregiving is a long time. In that time I have taken over most of the jobs Ray ever did around the house and all the other tasks that keep a household running and keep life flowing. Ray is now my companion, the person in the passenger seat. This has been as hard on him as it has on me. On Thursday (20th) he had a dementia test and failed some of the questions for the first time. When the therapist asked if he had any regrets he said:"That Sue has to do everything now." It was a statement that he has never made before as he has always been in denial big time. Maybe at last reality is breaking in.

The 24th is our grand daughter's birthday. In previous years she had had to celebrate on another day as 24th April 2001, on the day she was born, her other grandmother, her mother's mother, left. She died of breast cancer at the age of 63. It was a bitter-sweet day for her daughter, the death of her mother, the birth of her daughter. But this year we had the party on 24th, her daughter's proper birthday. After five years Tori's Mum was able to bury her own grief and think of her daughter instead. Bravo for her.

Tomorrow(well actually today as it is now 2am my time) is Anzac Day (25th) the day the soldiers of all the wars who have sacrificed their lives for the well-being of Australia and it's people are remembered. Of course there are no survivors of Gallipoli now, and only a few from the second word war will march. But there have been other conflicts Australians have been involved in, Korea, Malaysia,Vietnam, Iraq and veterans from those wars will march. It is another kind of anniversary. My Dad, although a British not an Australian soldier marched in Sydney, proudly, with his medals on his chest for many years. Then he would just attend a local service, then just watch the march on television. He died in 2000. But I guess I will celebrate the anniversary while I live as it was so precious to my Dad.

This is probably the first time that the anniversaries don't have the impact of previous years. The major strokes happened seven years ago, Ray's had two strokes since, he has survived them. Life goes on.

Tori's Mum is seven months pregnant with her next child, she had a good progress report today, that is a reason to rejoice. For her life goes on too.

I visited an old friend today who also lost her husband to stroke. He had heart attacks, bypasses, years of invalidity, then a series of strokes the last of which he died from. She is philosophical about it all. She says her life has been a series of steps up, to a good career, a nice home, a family, holidays abroad etc. Then a series of steps down. Now she doesn't quite know where she is but the place is called "ACCEPTANCE" and I put that in capitals as that is the way she said it.

I guess all of us reach this place called "ACCEPTANCE" in our own way and in our own time. I reach it sometimes only to see it disappear over the horizon again. But maybe it is not disappearing, I am just swinging away from it as you do when you leave one minor road to make a loop and go onto the highway again. So there is a progress, it is just in levels.

I am waxing philosphical again. Sorry. It is the early hours of the morning. I ate all the wrong foods at Tori's party and have massive tummy ache and am sitting here waiting for the heap of medication I took to take effect. This is not the best time to blog, but I thought that maybe if I got a lot of this out of my mind more peaceful thoughts would follow.

Bless you all on whatever part of the "ACCEPTANCE" trail you find yourself on right now.