Day 25...Am I approaching acceptance?
First, I want to say...I'm not giving up hope yet...not yet. Really...! But I wrote about this in some of my early journaling that is not on-line...how does one make themselves ready for the worst case scenario while still maintaining hope and presence? I think I've done that. I believe I am prepared for this to end. Not that I want it or think there's a high probability of it happening right now, but I am prepared. And that's also not to say that I won't be angry and hurt and sad and devastated if that is what does indeed happen...but I've created space for that possibility within me. It is sitting there right next to my hope...almost like they are sitting there hand in hand...just waiting for their opportunity to act...waiting to be called up. We are waiting for her call...ready for any eventuality.
I was sitting today thinking about what I consider a healthy relationship. Jane has always known that I won't settle for someone who won't talk to me...who pushes me away...who runs instead of confronts the problem. I know she believed that was the healthy way to be as well because she always met me half-way... And when she was tempted to run, she always "self-monitored" and told me she was holding something back, confessed and moved forward communicating with me. I did the same. It was something we were proud of...we knew it was work but we knew it provided for us ENORMOUS rewards by allowing us to be open to the rewards of intimacy and honesty!
Anyway, I totally and completely understand that the stroke has created the emotional lability in her...that she is in survival mode...that romantic relationships are NOT a priority right now. I also accept that she has regressed to old comfortable coping mechanisms and "putting up walls"...old pre-relationship territory between us...is where she will be until she develops more emotional wherewithal as time goes on, to conquer her old intimacy fears. I have accepted those fears as part of her history and in the past, as long as she was willing to work past them, I always stayed with her every step of the way. That is how we built trust between us.
So that brings us to now...and the possibilities ahead of us. Essentially it comes down to two things... 1) she may WANT this relationship ultimately and WANT to reclaim her past emotional health but is unable to do so right now...she'll want to still keep some distance until she heals more. OR 2) she may want to give up and end this. I know that I am willing and able to stick with her for as long as is needed if she WANTS this relationship to continue. I will wait for her, fight for her, work with her for as long and as hard as it takes to make it happen. AND if its not meant to be after that, then I can accept that, even if it hurts. But if she wants to let this end without even trying, then it feels as if the last 3 years are a lie. I can't explain it but if she wants to end it, it means she doesn't have faith in our relationship...doesn't want to try to return to a place of good emotional health. I can't and won't fight her on that because there is no point. I DON'T WANT IT TO END because I know how good it WAS and CAN be still. But I can accept that is NOT a relationship to me...someone who leaves when the going gets tough...who backs away during the bad times...who doesn't WANT to have an intimate relationship. I would never have been in a relationship with her if that is how things were. They weren't, but I knew that had been her in the past and I knew it was something she worked on all the time. So if that is her choice, then I don't want a relationship under those terms. I deserve better...I deserve the best in all honesty. I think being able to accept that I WOULDN'T want a relationship under those circumstances allows me to accept that is a possibility and sit with it.
Does that make me a bad person? No...because I am not the person who would be leaving...I don't want to leave. I don't want to end it...but I don't want a relationship under those terms either.
So...here's another question...let's say she wants to end it now but realizes over the next 6 months or so that she made a mistake...that running away and leaving the relationship was foolish and an error. That she regained the expected clarity after the stroke and realizes that she wants to try again...doesn't want to lose what we had. Do I accept that...do I try again? I have kids...it is hard now explaining to them why we haven't heard from Jane. It will be even harder to explain why Jane doesn't want to be a part of our family any more if that's what happens. How do I let her in our lives again? How do I protect my kids? CAN I protect my kids? I know that no one can answer these questions and trying to answer it isn't exactly being present...in THIS moment. But that is out there for me... I also know it is several steps ahead of where things are right now so I don't see any point in trying to "WHAT IF" the situation.
But I don't want it to end, nor do I necessarily think it will end. But that chance is there...I'm not sure what odds I would give it but I guess maybe there is a 30-ish % chance she may want to walk away...maybe 20%...hard to tell because I haven't spoke with her in almost a month. I know she is only getting better in that time, but I don't know...it is still hard to judge. I think all the signs are good she'd hang in there until time heals her a bit... As I said in a previous blog, the advantages are that she was emotionally strong BEFORE the stroke and I know post stroke she wanted to retain that emotional strength and was working towards it. Another advantage is the connection we had while at rehab...that doesn't just disappear...the words and sentiments shared just don't disappear.
Anyway...I know I had been resisting even allowing that as a possibility. The "suffering" I have been feeling has been my resistance to that as a possibility. But I think I have found a way to keep my hope, but allow for the possibility of it ending to be there...hanging out...just sitting and waiting. Hoping not to be called to action, but it has to be there and ready, just in case. I am accepting there are just things I can't control and life will toss me what it will toss me...and I will survive...
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